


Wiped

by Akaicchi



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, POV First Person, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-02-06 16:36:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12821607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akaicchi/pseuds/Akaicchi
Summary: About eight years post-canon, things have settled down. Everyone in Inaba is getting along, and Tohru has recently returned after serving his time. He's living with the Dojimas until he gets on his feet. He's trying his best and is working several jobs.Suddenly, Ryoutarou develops a memory issue where he forgets everything that's happened involving the murders. Feeling as though it's his fault, Tohru tries to help.





	1. Wiped Out

**Author's Note:**

> I will only update when I can. It may be once a week, it may not.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The prologue takes place about a week after the first chapter. It’s a taste of what’s to come :D

 

Prologue: Wiped Out

(Tohru)

I look around. _My entire life folded into this tiny room._

I sigh and turn back to the television, powering down my Playstation. _I need to get to sleep, I’m supposed to help Daidara with that damn website I suggested super early._

Checking the clock, I can see it’s just past midnight. I’ll have to get up around five again if I want to make it to my shift at the Junes on time.

I lay down on the couch and pull the light cord. I’m just drifting off in the pleasant darkness when I can hear feet thumping down the hall.

“Tohru?” I hear Ryoutarou tentatively call. Then his voice gets more agitated: “Tohru where are you, dammit!”

... _Yelling this time._ I sigh and throw a hand over my eyes.

“I’m where you left me,” I shout back— _if Nanako’s gonna wake up, she already did_ —and he comes stumbling into the room, creaking the door open and splashing light everywhere.

“What’re you doing in here? Get to bed!” he snaps. “We have work tomorrow!”

“Yeah,” I drag out the word. “That’s why I’m _in bed_. What do you think I’m doing?!” I can’t help being annoyed. It’s been like this every night.

I crack my fingers so I can gauge how off he is. _Looks confused more than angry. But his temper will likely get the better of him if I don’t move it._

“No you’re not,” he scoffs. “You’re on the couch. Let’s go!” He roughly grabs my arm and starts to drag me out of the room.

“Augh!” I yelp. “Stop manhandling me, jeez! _Nanako!!_ ” I try.

“Why’re you bothering her? It’s late,” Ryoutarou censures me.

“A little help again,” I knock on her door as he yanks me past.

She opens it as he’s got me at the threshold of his room. I’m grumbling and kicking out my legs.

“He’s doing it again!” I tell her, grabbing onto the doorframe. “He’s reset again!!”

_This is ridiculous! How am I supposed to get any sleep?_

“Dad stop,” Nanako sighs, suppressing a yawn. “Let Tohru go. We all have to get up early...”

“But he belongs in here,” Ryoutarou insists, putting me in a headlock. “I’m just taking him to bed—Why are you all ganging up on me?”

Nanako shoots me a pitying look and I know it’s my turn to give him the news.

 _Like ripping off a band-aid_ —

“You gotta let go,” I clearly tell him.

“I’m just playing Tohru, don’t be a wuss.”

“Ryou,” I sigh, wriggling free. “We’re—” I shoot Nanako a guilty look. _I’m not doing this in the middle of the night!_

Readying myself for a fight, I try a coward’s tactic. “We’re taking a break, so I’m sleeping down the hall, okay?” I pat him on the shoulder placatingly. “You must’ve had a bad dream, get back to sleep.”

I start to walk back down the hall as Ryoutarou clears his throat, not ready to let it go. “Why?” he finally asks us. “Are you mad at me?”

 _Why does he always think it’s my fault?_ I quietly groan and fold my hands over my forehead, sucking in a gulp of the stuffy, indoor air.

“No,” I call behind myself. “We just needed space. It’ll be fine soon.”

“Am I mad?” he questions, confused. “I _forgive_ you—“

“Just go,” Nanako groans. “You did the right thing, Tohru. I have exams tomorrow. I can’t do this tonight.”

“I’m _sorry_ ,” Ryoutarou pleads when I walk back out of my room with my phone.

_Do you even know what you’re sorry for?_

_—Not like it’s your fault. It’s my own._

Nanako squeezes my arm. “Thanks,” she mumbles.

_This is my penance. For all the crap I’ve done, the one person who really cared about me through it all is now suffering. And there’s nothing I can do._

I walk into the darkened room and take my old spot on the futon. Ryoutarou smiles happily and lies down next to me. _At least he’s at ease._

_It’s been about a week since this began, and there’s still no change. If anything, he’s forgetting more frequently._

_Once Nanako’s on break she’s going to do more, but I told her I’d take care of it_ — _of him—for right now. It’s the least I can do._


	2. Clean Slate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day Zero. Ryoutarou suddenly forgets a lot about the past eight years. All aboard the Feels Train.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a bunch of the IT in Inaba again. Hitoshi and Chie are Ryoutarou’s workmates. Sakamoto is the chief. I recycled some characters form Mukidashite.

Chapter One: Clean Slate

(Tohru)

_How did it come to this?_

Chie said she woke him from a nap at work—Ryoutarou had slumped over at his desk for a break, but never got back up. When she woke him, he acted strangely.

He couldn’t remember the most recent cases and kept asking for me. He asked why Hitoshi was at my desk, and why he had moved my crap.

Chie and Hitoshi gave him weird looks and told Ryoutarou that I hadn’t worked there in years, remember? I was probably hanging around Junes or Daidara’s or Kanji’s or something. He asked ‘ _why_ ’.

At this point, Chie ran to get Sakamoto. Ryoutarou repeated similar questions to his old friend and they decided this was serious, that Ryoutarou wasn’t playing around. They phoned myself and Nanako, then brought him to the hospital.

Everything checked out. They ran a battery of tests. He knew most of the correct information, but was fuzzy on the year. As well as any details surrounding the murders and my trial.

When they finally made me go in, Ryoutarou jumped up from the exam table to haul me into a strong hug. “Tohru,” he said, pulling away enough to grab my hand. “I don’t know what the hell is going on, but tell me it isn’t true! Why would they lie about you like this?”

He yanked on my hand imploringly while I tried to sort this out in my head. I attempted to find any acceptable answer besides ‘you’ve gone spacey on us’.

Ryoutarou stood there, pleading with his eyes while I faltered. Then he misread my silence. “This isn’t right,” he insisted, gathering steam. “It’s _libel_!”

“No,” I finally managed as I took back my hand. “It’s true, Ryou.”

“That’s not what you call me!” he accused. “Say my full name!”

I scratched the back of my head nervously. “I haven’t called you ‘Ryoutarou’ since...

“Since _when_?” he stubbornly demanded.

“Since we broke up, years ago.”

I heard a few people around the room suck in breaths at that admission, but it was clearly going to come out if I let this go any further. Ryoutarou glared at me.

“You’re all trying to pull one over on me!!” he shouted. “ _Cut it out!_ ”

Everyone looked around guiltily. As if we were all somehow responsible for his current state.

“Why don’t I take him home?” I asked the others. “Can someone help me?” Chie agreed and we got a ride from Sakamoto.

Nanako was already waiting at the house, looking pretty distraught. The waiting probably didn’t help her mood.

I opened the car door and Ryoutarou immediately seized my hand again, clinging like a scared kid. “Why’s Nanako home?” he asked. “Isn’t it a school day?”

“Because she’s worried about you,” Chie replied while I tried to pry him off of me. “It’s gonna be fine. You’ll rest and then it’ll be better.”

“I feel fine,” Ryoutarou protested. “I’m not _sick_!”

I got his hand off and he wrapped his arm around me instead. I threw my hands in the air, hoping Nanako could see there wasn’t anything I could do. She simply motioned us inside.

We all followed Ryoutarou up to his room. He was still stubbornly stuck to me, so I stood around with him while Nanako pulled out his pajamas.

“Change and rest,” she ordered. Then the rest of turned to head downstairs.

“There are two futons,” Ryoutarou loudly observed. “Why aren’t you staying?”

 _He means me, doesn’t he?_ I squinched my eyes shut and hoped someone else would deal with it.

“You’ve kept two futons since Mom died,” Nanako told him. “Tohru’s room is down the hall. Do...” she hesitated. “Do you want to see? Would that prove it to you?”

“You must have moved his stuff,” Ryoutarou sulked, hanging up his jacket.

The three of us discussed what was going on downstairs. Everyone’s conclusion was the same: something had finally caused him to snap. We’re unsure what made this change happen so instantaneously, but even the doctors agreed that it was a long time coming.

_He never took the time to process the murders or my involvement. He helped me get out of jail and had me live with them. How much can one man take?_

_—I guess the answer is THAT much. Because now he’s broken down and the rest of us are stuck putting the pieces back together to figure out what went wrong._

And that brings you up to speed...

“What do I do?” I ask Nanako once Chile’s gone home. “He’s been stuck to me like glue!” I slam down my glass of water on the counter and fold my arms. _I don’t know what she wants from me—What anyone wants from me._

_I mean, it’s not my fault he suddenly thinks I’m great again._

Nanako frowns, considering the circumstances. “Don’t cross any lines,” she tells me. “But...”

“I don’t know what I should be doing,” I moan. I rinse the glass just to have something to do.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Tohru. Just don’t make it worse.”

“Yeah, how?” I snort. “There isn’t much worse it can get.”

Nanako sighs and gives me a half smile. “Do what you’re comfortable with. But don’t think he’s going to be happy when he’s better,” is her advice. “I don’t think he’s going to let up. We’ll see after he’s slept.”

In the middle of the night, Ryoutarou comes into my room, seeming unsure of his surroundings. “Tohru?” he calls out to me.

“What?” I ask, waking up. _It’s..._

_What time is it?_

I check my phone and feel even more crappy. I won’t have much time left to sleep after this.

I glance at Ryoutarou and he’s rubbing his shoulder like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. I close my eyes and give him the truth. “I was sleeping. I’ve got a shift at Junes early.”

“I don’t like sleeping alone. Why was I...?” He knits his brows together, staring at me as if he has no idea why I’m in here. “Why are _you_...?”

I don’t answer right away, hoping he’ll just go back to sleep.

“I’m not going in there with you. There’s only so much you can wheedle out of me by being sick,” I shoot back.

“Then move. I’ll sleep here,” he rashly tells me, a little of his old temper resurfacing. Ryoutarou shoves me over and grabs me, and I have the urge to move away. _He is going to be so pissed if he thinks I took advantage of the situation._

But he smells nice— _Like him. And I don’t have it in me to roll over and tell him to get lost. I just don’t want to._

_Which is so selfish and—_

“Why aren’t you all over me anymore?” Ryoutarou breaks into my thoughts.

I sigh. “ _Again_ , because we aren’t together anymore.” I wriggle away and he grabs for me again.

I can feel Ryoutarou shaking his head behind me. “I don’t believe you. I don’t believe _any_ of them! You’d never hurt anyone...”

“I hurt a lot of people. I even hurt _you_ , dummy,” I tell him, annoyed. “You went to the hospital because of me. And now you’re probably like this because of me.”

He’s quiet for a minute.

Then: “Why is everyone trying to pull one over on me? I don’t get it! I’ve figured it out—It’s a sick joke. _Let it go!_ ”

Ryoutarou grips me tighter and I can tell he’s mad. _He’s worse than a child. Everyone is telling him that he’s the one who’s wrong, and he still won’t budge._

“I love you,” he suddenly tells me, nuzzling his head into the back of my neck.

“No you don’t,” I flatly reply, outright ignoring the affection. “And I’m only doing this so you don’t have a complete breakdown.”

“Then you must still like me,” he fishes, completely skipping over the point.

I groan. _Of course I like him. I always have. And he doesn’t necessarily like me anymore, but he’s still letting me live here, mostly rent-free. We’re close friends. Leave it at that._

_This is a weird turn of events. Who would’ve thought it’d be me getting HIM back on his feet?_

He’s still hugging me and I don’t want to make him stop. I think he’s waiting for my answer—Which isn’t coming. _I’m not admitting I like him. It would complicate things even more. But I’m not going to lie to him and say I don’t, either._

So I stay steadily quiet.

But then his hands start to wander and I kick Ryoutarou away and roll over. “ _No_.”

“Why not?” he objects, definitely surprised I’d reject him like that.

“Have you been listening to anything I’ve been telling you?” I moan. “I’ll go sleep in the other room.” _That should get him._

A worried look passes over his features for a few seconds. “Fine,” he grudgingly tells me, obstinately reaching out to pull me back.

He’s so quiet that I think Ryoutarou’s fallen asleep. Then he speaks again. “Why do you still live here, if I really don’t have feelings for you?” I can feel his head craning to look at all of my stuff packed in here.

“I don’t know,” I truthfully tell him. “I was all set to move out and you told me not to. You said to call it off and keep helping you with the bills here instead. Said you needed it.”

“I don’t think I do,” he says, only a little unsure.

“You _don’t_ ,” I confirm. “You didn’t want me to leave you.”

“Then don’t leave me,” he reiterates.

“I’m still here,” I reason. “But you didn’t want to be in a relationship. We’re just friends now. It’s better this way.”

“When did I say that?” he asks, lightly kicking the back of my leg.

“Years ago—When I went to jail. You said you were going to help me, but that we’d never go back to being more than friends,” I yawn.

“I never took it back?” _He sounds..._

_Regretful._

“No,” I confirm, gritting my teeth. _You didn’t_.

_You never—_

_I really thought—_

I swallow a few times so I can speak. “And it’s been about eight years. I don’t think you mean to go back on it.” The words taste like the memory of food that comes back up hours after you eat.

Ryoutarou tightens his hold on me. “What is it?” he entreats, trying to puzzle it out for himself. “Do you have someone _else_?”

I heave another sigh. “ _No_ ,” I tell him.

 _I don’t really want anyone else. I don’t really want anyone anymore, for that matter._ _It’s as if all that’s been sucked out of me._

What I actually say is: “It’d be really shitty of me to have someone else and still live here—It’d be like taking advantage.”

“Do you take advantage?” he quietly questions, sounding less sure of everything the more we talk. “Is that why you’re here to begin with?”

“No,” I bite out. “If anything, it’s _you_ who’s taking advantage of _me_ —” I roll over to look at him, knowing I sound like a jerk. “Living here, I don’t exactly feel fair moving on.”

_Not when I can tell you can’t. Not when you torture yourself over everything._

_That wouldn’t be fair._

“Take advantage,” he mumbles. “It sounds like I’m waiting for you to do that.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I snort. “We closed the door. As your friend, I’m following what you told me you wanted.”

“I’m telling you I don’t—”

“You’re not mentally okay, right now. You don’t get to decide,” I tell him in measured words.

“So if I remember everything, then we can be together again?”

“ _Sure_ ,” I groan, knowing he’ll change his mind anyhow. _When this is all sorted, it’ll be back to the way things were._

“I know you, Tohru. I know you wouldn’t hurt anyone,” he murmurs as he rubs my back, holding me so I’m tucked under his chin. “I’ll figure it out and prove it to them...”

“Right,” I placate him, really just silently mouthing the words into his shirt. “You do that.”

_The facts have already been lined up and noted. I’m guilty. I even admitted it. I’m only out because you helped me get here—That and they think I have mental issues._

_But if I just keep stuffing down the pills, I get to be here. It’s not so bad, except—_

_I’ve never felt guiltier than tonight—_

_Not right after I killed them. Not during my trial. Not in jail. Not when I moved back to this shithole of a town._

_I’ve never felt a shred of real remorse until this very second, when I realized I’m completely to blame for whatever is going on with Ryoutarou. When I had to hear him admit with such fervor and surety that I’m good and everyone else is a liar._

Once I can hear him snoring, I finally start to cry.


	3. Reset Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tohru tries to go about his day and keep Ryoutarou together.

Chapter Two: Reset Again

(Tohru)

When my alarm goes off I jump, reaching out for my phone only to realize I’m not laying on my pillow. I’m on the floor and the phone is right by my head. _So shrill..._

Ryoutarou rouses slowly, still lying on the futon and covering his ears with his hands. His eyes track me as I get the thing to shut up.

He looks fine. But yesterday there was no physical indication that anything was wrong, either.

“Who am I?” I quiz.

“You’re Tohru,” he replies, sounding half asleep. _I guess there was never any question about that._

“Are you mad you’re sleeping with me?” I try next.

He looks around, rubbing his forehead. “No. But why are we in _here_?”

_Not better. It was worth a shot._

“Okay,” I curtly reply, sitting up. “Guess _somebody’s_ not going to work.”

Ryoutarou looks at his watch. “I don’t need to be up yet. Why are you up?”

“Don’t think I can wake early?” I playfully jibe. “I need to be at Daidara’s by six.”

“Why?” Ryoutarou repeats his new favorite word.

I sigh. “I’m working for him on commission.”

“Why?”

“Because I need money?” I question aloud _. Fuck if I know._

“Why aren’t you working at the Station?” _Here we go again..._

“I don’t work there anymore,” I state, cutting him off before he can ask me more questions.

I press my fingers into my eyes, feeling like I’m explaining it to a child. “I did a bad thing and I can’t work there anymore. Don’t ask. We talked all about it yesterday and none of it stuck. It’s too damn early.”

“But then where do _I_ work?”

 _This is new._ I remove my hands and look at the stunned man sitting in front of me. ‘ _Deer in the headlights_ ’ is the only phrase that’ll stick.

“Let’s talk it out after I shower,” I patiently tell Ryoutarou. “Why don’t you go back to sleep?”

He rolls over and is out in seconds. That’s a small win. I grab clothes and hop in the shower. When I’m done I knock on Nanako’s door.

“What?” she calls from inside. “Dad?”

“Tohru,” I reply. “I need to talk to you.”

“Come in.”

I open the door and step inside. She’s already up and reading some book with her coffee—The likes of which has never smelled more inviting. _I’m going to need strong, bitter coffee today. Or one of those energy drinks. Something potent._

“So...” I awkwardly begin.

“Both your doors are open. I know he’s in there,” Nanako rolls her eyes. “What happened?” She sets her book aside and curls her knees to her chest. I take a seat at her wooden desk chair.

“He came in and asked why I was there. Then he wouldn’t leave and pushed his way into my futon. I apparently slept on the floor,” I conclude, sucking in a big breath for this next part. “He just asked me where he works.”

“He _did_?” she grimaces. “Anything else?”

“He went back to sleep,” I report. “That’s about it. I need to get out of here soon. What should we do?”

“I could stay home, but exams are next week...”

_Translation: ‘We don’t know how long this is going to last. I need to speak with someone at the school.’_

“I can bring him to Daidara’s,” I offer. “I bet he’s be willing to look out for Ryou for a while. Then I can go home with him after my shift.”

“That’d be good,” Nanako approves. “I would appreciate it.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’ve been here for a couple of months. It’s the least I can do,” I smile weakly.

Nanako sips her coffee, regarding me silently for a minute. “Yeah, you’ve been here for a few months.”

“If you’d rather I stay somewhere else, let me know,” I politely offer.

_I’d rather not—Especially not right now. Not when I can actually be useful to them._

“Tohru,” Nanako tucks some of her hair behind her ear. “ _No_. That’s not what I want—Do you _really_ think that?”

I cringe. “We—We’ve never directly talked about it, you and I... And now...”

She sighs and smiles more earnestly. “No. I like having you around. Do you even know how Dad told me?”

“Not asked?” I question, chewing on my lip.

“No,” she shakes her head. “Near the end of the first month—one night when you were out working somewhere—he just turned to me and said, ‘I like having Tohru around. I want him to stay.’ I agreed, and that was the end of it.”

She drinks more of her coffee while I process that. “He tried to make me think I was helping with the bills.”

“He’s not good with his emotions,” Nanako giggles.

I whistle as I sigh. “He told me that he loves me last night.”

Nanako snorts, surprised. “He barely even tells _me_ that he loves me.”

“Yeah, I know,” I guiltily reply. I scratch at my head, anxious. “It’s like he’s looking for a reaction. I honestly can’t tell if he’s more angry or annoyed.”

She smiles a little. “We’ll figure it out. I’m sure everyone else will help once they know what’s going on. Don’t worry—That’s why we love this town.”

“I know,” I assure Nanako as I rise. “I’ll get breakfast going. It’ll still be warm after we leave.”

“Thanks,” she replies. I know she doesn’t want to worry about this right now.

_Nanako is in her last year of middle school. It’s an important time in her life. If I’m going to stick around, I have to at least help out._

When I walk back into my room, Ryoutarou is sitting on the futon looking around, confused again. “Why is all your stuff—” is all I let him get out before coughing.

“Long story. You have to get ready to go. Can you do that for me?” I ask, folding my arms.

“I think I need to shower,” Ryoutarou observes, sniffing under his arm. I try not to snicker.

“You didn’t last night,” I inform him, leaving out that he went right to bed around three in the afternoon. “You slept early. Go on—I’ll start breakfast.”

I grab fresh clothes and then send him into the bathroom, heading downstairs to make soup and take out the pickles. I have food set out for us by the time he comes down, in his usual suit and tie.

“Why did you put that on?” I question. _I had handed him a long-sleeved shirt and jeans._

“Why aren’t your clothes in our room?” he returns with another question.

I unconsciously find myself yanking at my hair. “Cause they’re not,” I reply. “Here, eat your food then go change.”

“We’re not going to work?!” Ryoutarou incredulously asks me.

I grit my teeth. ”We’re going to _my_ work. _You_ have the day off—”

_Mental note: phone Sakamoto._

Once we’ve eaten, I convince Ryoutarou that he really does have today off. He gets into his casual clothes and follows me to the car. Some of the kids thankfully drove it over last night after everything played out.

“Do you think you can drive?” I study Ryoutarou.

“‘Course I can!” he snubs me, grabbing the keys. We sit in the car for a minute before he asks where we’re going.

“Daidara’s,” I reply and he takes us there. We park in the back and I ring the bell.

“Tohru,” Daidara greets me. “ _And_ Ryou?”

“We’re having a bit of a problem,” I sarcastically tell him, trying to stay under the radar. I shove Ryoutarou into his house. “I need to call the chief—You already know what’s going on?”

“Teddie told me,” Daidara folds his arms and we watch Ryoutarou wander around his back room, inspecting newer weapons. “A shame...”

“Yeah, well...” I say, not caring to finish the sentence. “So you can keep an eye on him for a few?”

“Not a problem.”

“And maybe while I take my shift at the Junes?” I venture.

Daidara rubs his balding head. “Probably. I don’t think it should be an issue. You’ll need to tell me more.”

“Agreed,” I tell him. “But first,” I hold up my phone. “I don’t think he can work like this.”

The older man makes a sympathetic expression before turning away. “Ryou, come on upstairs. I was just reading the paper.”

“Is Tohru leaving?” He questions as Daidara guides him to the staircase.

“No,” Daidara pats the other man’s back. “I asked him to place a call for me. He’ll be right up.”

“He keeps trying to ditch me,” Ryoutarou complains as he glances back suspiciously.

 _For fucks’ sake!_ I stamp the floor once he’s gone.

_Keep it together. It’s your turn to take care of him. You can do this._

Sakamoto doesn’t seem surprised that Ryoutarou will need some time off. The idiot tells me that Ryoutarou’s been cutting back his hours, anyways. _The good news is that he says it’ll all be fine._

_Was that stressing him out? Ryoutarou never told me they’re starting to force him into retirement._

I draw in a deep breath. _Maybe it’s not so much my fault._

_Directly._

Walking back inside Daidara’s, I take a look around at all the equipment. We’ve already begun to catalogue it. Today we’ll be uploading what we have to the website and adding descriptions.

_Now that there are less angry gods and demons around Inaba, people don’t feel as strong a need for a weapon smith. I have to admit that it really would be a shame if Daidara stopped making his pieces. He has some real quality stuff._

I finally head upstairs and set my bag on his kitchen table. I take out my camera and laptop, ready to work.

“What’re you doing?” Ryoutarou asks me around a senbei.

Daidara raises an eyebrow. “He thinks I’ll be able to reach a wider clientele this way.”

“You _will_ ,” I insist. “It’s easy if you’re not an idiot.” The old man rolls his eyes while I pull up the pictures I snapped last time so I can show him the shots. “Pick one for each piece. Click on it and it’ll be bookmarked. And tell me a little about the items so I can add descriptions.”

Ryoutarou slides his chair over to Daidara’s and helps decide which pictures are better. Daidara makes notes of fancy decoration on a few items he wants reshot, and when we’re done with this batch we head downstairs to take more pictures.

Once that’s done, it’s off to my shift at the super. I follow the other two back upstairs and Daidara puts on the television for them.

When I start putting my things away, Ryoutarou’s attention locks right on to me. I flick my eyes between him and my backpack. “Uuh, hey,” I start.

“We leaving?” Ryoutarou asks me.

“I need to go to work,” I reply, feeling a pang of guilt even though I’m not doing anything wrong. “I’ll be back to get you after.”

“The Junes,” he says, repeating what I told him earlier. “That new market...”

_He thinks the Junes is new?_

Daidara turns to me, concerned. “Maybe,” he cautiously begins, not wanting to suggest the hospital aloud.

I smile wryly back. “I think it’ll be all right. Ryou, you’ll stay with Daidara, right?”

“Why are you calling me ‘Ryou’?” he guardedly replies.

I bite my tongue. “We’re in public,” I dodge.

“It’s just Daidara,” he replies, brushing the comment off.

Said man raises his eyebrows. I filled him in, but he’s still agape that Ryoutarou is being so open. _Like a different person._

I head for the door and Ryoutarou quickly walks over, catching up. He wraps an arm around me, a half hug. I slip away to the stairs.

“Why didn’t you—” he calls, uncertain. I can see that flash of recognition in his eyes, like he‘s figured out that I’m avoiding being close to him.

_Dammit. It’s only going to upset him again._

“You shouldn’t leave if you’re mad at me,” he coolly adds.

I sigh, scratching my head. “You broke up with me,” I tell him. _Don’t make this harder on me. I need to get to work._

I hear Daidara walk over and quietly steer him back into the other room. Feeling like shit, I leave the house and head for the big store.

When I’m finally walking back, I receive my first call from Daidara. “Hi,” he tersely greets me. “I wanted to warn you...”

“What about?” I ask, already worried. “Is he okay?”

“Still angry,” I’m told. “I was hoping he’d calm down before you got back. Figured you’d be walking over about now.”

“Why’s he angry?” I kick a rock down the road.

Daidara chuckles. “He wrote on his hand that _you_ dumped _him_.”

“On his _hand_?” I repeat, baffled.

“He was in shock for a while, and then spitting mad. Said he didn’t want to ‘forget and look like a moron again’.”

“Oh boy,” I exhale. _Yeah I bet he’s angry._ “I’ll be there soon. I’m on foot.”

“I expected,” he knowingly replies. “Not a bother. I’ve got him helping write your descriptions.”

“Mm,” I acknowledge and hang up.

_Now what? What do I do with him when he’s like this?_

I walk in the front of the shop, but don’t find them. _They must be in the back. Not many people come in these days._

“I just don’t get it,” I hear Ryoutarou say as I step behind the counter. “Why would I do that? It says here that _he_ broke up with me.”

I can see Ryoutarou pointing at the back of his hand, where it looks as though he wrote it in permanent marker. _Great_...

I clear my throat and both heads snap in my direction. “Hey guys~”

Ryoutarou folds his arms to hide his hand and glares at me. “Tohru,” he nods once.

Daidara rolls his eyes and tries not to laugh at the ridiculousness of all this. “Going to head home?”

“Yes,” I reply. “C’mon, Ryou.” I pat his shoulder as I walk by and he pulls away from me.

“Together?” he questions, miffed.

“Yeah. I still live with you. In the spare room.”

“That’s stupid,” he says through his teeth.

I close my eyes so that I don’t roll them. “You wanted me to stay at your place.”

“You shouldn’t have moved down the hall,” he mutters, stalking by me to get to the car first.

I throw my hands up— _There’s nothing I can do right today._

Daidara waves goodbye and then I get into the car. Ryou drives us home without any problem, which is a good sign. I notice his eyes are drawn to the writing on his hand and his glare deepens every time he rereads it.

_At least I know what my first priority is._

When we’re in the house, I set about getting that stupid statement off his hand. _The fact that he blamed me when he wrote it is just plain spiteful._

I douse a facecloth in rubbing alcohol and walk over to where Ryoutarou is angrily watching television. _How someone can ‘angrily watch television’ is beyond me._

I take a seat and Ryoutarou scowls.

“There’s something on your face,” I tell him and motion to my own.

Ryoutarou looks dubious, but raises his hand to wipe the fake ‘thing’ away. I snatch his wrist and abrasively wipe for all I’m worth.

“Hey!! What’re you—” he loudly complains, trying to pry my skinny fingers off. I’ve got him in a death grip.

When the writing is illegible, he’s got me in a headlock and we’ve fallen to the floor. Ryoutarou’s cutting off my breathing and it’s getting hard to keep my eyes open.

I make choking sounds and he eases up. “What’re you doing, you damn idiot!” Ryoutarou scoffs, grabbing my arm when my hand reflexively goes to my throat. He twists it around behind me, apparently still sharp enough to know how to defend himself.

Ryoutarou manipulates me so that I’m kneeling with my face plastered to the tatami. “Enough, okay?” I tell him.

“Why’d you do that?” he asks, breathing heavy. _Guess I gave him a good workout._

“Do you even remember what it said?” I quiz.

“What did it say, Tohru?” he demands, pressing down on the side of my head that’s facing up.

I feel a pang of anxiety. _He already forgot?_

Biting back the nagging fear, I tell him the truth. “A lie.”

“What was it?” he repeats, annoyed.

“It said I dumped you,” I tell him.

Ryou harrumphs. “Of course that’s a lie. Why would you do that?” Then he chuckles. “I’m awesome.”

I groan and he lets me up. “Yup,” I halfheartedly agree. _He’s not gonna be happy when he goes upstairs._

We spend the afternoon watching TV on the floor, never moving back to the couch. I toss the cloth on the table and it’s quickly forgotten. It won’t even smell like alcohol by the time I get around to sticking it in the hamper.

When Nanako comes home, Ryoutarou’s got his arm around me. She rolls her eyes. “No change?”

I shake my head.

“Welcome back!” Ryou enthusiastically tells her. “We’re gonna watch the end of this before dinner, okay?” he says, pulling me closer so I fall onto his lap. I push away, but he doesn’t take the hint.

“I need some water,” I excuse myself and grab a glass from the kitchen. Drinking it down, I catch Ryoutarou watching me suspiciously. _He’s smothering me._

_Well, only because I know this won’t last. That I can’t actually have this fake little scene._

I slam the glass on the counter. _I want it. And I can’t have it._

_And this is torture._

I sit a little further away from Ryoutarou, but he scoots closer, thinking I don’t notice. I let him wrap a single arm around me again, but don’t tolerate anything more.

Dinner goes well, too. But time rolls on, and soon it’s time for all of us to go upstairs.

I end up blowing Ryoutarou off when he asks where my stuff is. Nanako stealthily closed my door before we went up.

“Worry about your own things,” I tell him, pulling out his pajama pants and a tee-shirt. “Go take a bath. I have to work on stuff for tomorrow.”

“Big case?” he questions, slapping my back. “Bet you’ll get a raise soon with that attitude!”

Once he’s in the bathroom with the door closed, I scream into my pillow. _I don’t know how much of this I can take!_

_I have to explain how everything’s turned out every other hour, or pretend that we’re still together. It is absolute torture. TORTURE!!!_

I lay down on my futon feeling defeated until I hear Ryoutarou opening the door. Then I scramble to pull out my laptop at the last second.

“What’s,” he begins, looking around lost. “All this?”

“My stuff,” I tiredly reply. “You dumped me. I live in here now.”

“Why would I...?”

“We’ll discuss it in the morning, don’t worry,” I try to smile kindly at him.

Ryou bashfully turns away. “But I don’t want to sleep alone,” he quietly says.

_Is he a little kid? What’s the problem?_

I sigh aloud. _The problem is that he’s scared. He’s clearly missing vital information, and he knows it._

“I’ll work in your room until you fall asleep,” I end up promising. I collect my laptop and peripherals, then walk down the hall with him. I make sure to leave the doors open so Nanako knows what’s going on.

_At this point I’m more worries about how she feels. I’m handling this, but I don’t want to infringe on what’s comfortable for her—Not like Ryoutarou’s making that any easier._

I sit leaning against the wall and Ryoutarou stares longingly, like a sad dog. So I move to the futon, propping the laptop up on my old pillow. “Better?” I mumble and I can feel his genuine smile.

“Good night, Tohru,” Ryoutarou yawns.

“G’night,” I reply, trying to keep a lid on my emotions.


	4. Pent-Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another day, another angry Ryoutarou.

Chapter Three: Pent-Up

(Tohru)

Ryoutarou made sure to fall asleep with his hand around my ankle so he would know if I left. _Crafty bastard._

I place my cold hand on top of his, ready to peel it off. But it feels so warm and familiar that I find myself instead rubbing his fingers with my thumb. _I shouldn’t be doing this._

Ryoutarou rolls on his side and flips his hand so that he’s holding mine while I just gently caress his. _This is murder on my conscience._

_And when the fuck did I even acquire one?_

“Tohru,” he mumbles, moving closer. I take his hand and move it to his side, squeezing before I let it go.

 _I should get back to my own room._ I collect my things and make my way down the hallway. I decide to take a bath myself before bed, even though it’s very late. _I know I’ll feel better after a soak._

Too bad it’s a soak in this house, in this room. Where I have other, nicer memories that I can’t seem to chase away, even by submerging my head underwater. _It’s never hurt more than today._

_I want nothing more than to go crawl back into that futon and sleep with him._

_But we’ve both moved on. This isn’t..._

_This isn’t fair!_

I pop back up for a breath and feel a flash of displeasure at the fact that the big tub is so lonely by yourself. I stretch all the way out, but it still feels too big for just me. I shut off the heat, not bothering to get out until the water is cool.

_Maybe I should sleep somewhere else for a few days..._

_It wouldn’t solve anything, but it might make me feel better. I’m sure someone would take me in._

But realistically, I wouldn’t leave Ryoutarou alone. I know it inside, in the place where all the nasty little emotions gather dust. Stuff like ‘kindness’ and ‘caring’. They’ve kept trying to escape, these past few years. _I’ve grown soft, haven’t I?_

_I’m being too easy on Ryoutarou. If I didn’t baby him today, maybe he would’ve gotten past it already._

_Who knows what the right answer is. The doctors certainly don’t._

I fall asleep sitting up on the couch. I wake up to Nanako shaking me and Ryoutarou curled up with his head in my lap.

Nanako motions me out of the room. I follow her into hers.

“I spoke to the doctor again yesterday,” she informs me. “They said to try this.” Nanako holds out a bottle of pills.

I read the label. “Depression and anxiety?” I hopefully ask.

“Delayed PTSD,” she replies, pressing her lips thin. “That was the main diagnosis.”

“Oh,” is all I can say.

“He’s not going to like it,” she tells me.

“Hmm,” I hum. “Tell him it’s an antibiotic. Or we’ll force it. He’ll forget a few minutes later anyways.”

She sighs and nods. “Alright. We’ll lie.” She looks at her feet and hands me the medicine. “Talking to him yesterday... I regret being more distant lately. He has you now, so I’ve been worrying less.”

“You shouldn’t have to worry,” I tell her. “You’re young.” I take the pills from her. “I’ve got it, don’t let it bother you. I’ll dump the capsule into his soup if I have to, okay?”

“Thanks, Tohru.” She manages to smile a little.

I rub the back of my head. “Yeah... It’s the least I can do. At least pretty soon it’s the weekend!”

“I still have school,” she sighs.

I wave her off. “But I’ll have more free time. It’ll be fine. I’m bringing him to Kanji’s today.”

Nanako laughs lightly, probably imagining Kanji having to entertain Ryoutarou all day. _It’ll be a shitshow. Wish I could record it._

“I’m off,” I tell her, having noted the open textbooks at her desk.

“Mmn,” she nods. “Have a good day.”

“You too.”

Back in my room, Ryoutarou’s still out on the couch. I gently shake his upper arm until he blinks awake.

“Tohru?”

“Time to get up,” I reply. I hand him some clothes. “Change. I’ll start breakfast.”

He nods numbly, not quite alert yet. _Makes it easier on me._

We get out of the house today without a lot of hassle—I dumped the capsule into his soup as promised. I have Ryoutarou drive us to Kanji’s and things are still going well. I’d told Kanji last night that I’d be bringing Ryoutarou and he made sure Teddie would hang around to help keep him occupied.

“Why are we getting out here?” Ryoutarou questions when I make him cut the engine.

“You’ve got it off,” I assure him, reaching for more lies. “Kanji wanted to show you some easy knitting.”

“Really?” he dubiously replies. “I have it off and Kanji wants to show me how to, ah, _knit_?” he parrots.

“Yup~” I tell him. “Exactly that!” I get out of the car and walk around to usher Ryoutarou into the house.

He grabs my hand and sticks close, even though Kanji is like his best friend. _Why’s he being so timid? Does he know something’s off? Even though everything seems like it used to be, he knows it isn’t right._

I bite my lip, feeling like it would be okay to snake my arm around him— _Just for a little while..._

But then Teddie is running out the door towards us, so I drop his hand completely. Ryoutarou flinches when Teddie grabs him into a hug.

“Hi Ojisan!” he chirps. “We’re gonna have so much fun today~ You get to help me crochet.” The boy clutches his hand and starts dragging the older man inside. Ryoutarou turns back to me and makes a grab for my arm, but I play dumb and stay out of reach.

It’s hard to watch him pulled along by the kid when he’s longingly staring me down. I step on some dead leaves to keep myself busy for a minute. I make sure they’re good and squashed before turning back to the house. Teddie and Ryoutarou are already inside.

I take in as much air as my lungs can hold, savoring the crisp feel of late fall. Then I make my way into the full house.

Everyone but Kanji is in the living room. I ask where he’s gone and Tatsumi motions to the back room. “Working,” she tells me.

I nod and head in to confer with him. Teddie’s already occupying Ryoutarou, telling him about what he did last night and his plans for the weekend. “I’ll be by to see you again,” he nods. “We’ll play board games with Nanako!”

Ryoutarou smiles like he’s only half listening, his eyes tracking me all the while. I push open the sliding door to the back room and find Kanji dying some cloth.

“Need help?” I ask him. “My shift isn’t until later today.”

“Sure,” the big guy nods. “You wanna mix me a shiny green?”

“Okay.” I pull out the chemicals and natural crap, stirring it into a tub on the floor near where Kanji’s set up.

I squat down to get closer to the floor, measuring and pouring the way he’s taught me these past few months. Once I’ve got everything going, Kanji starts talking to me about Ryoutarou, of course.

“So, uh, how is it going?” he asks, setting the cloth out to dry.

The smells are enough to make me gag—Too many things mixed together and drifting up to my face.

“Tohru, here,” Kanji dries his hands and fishes a sick mask out of a drawer. “I forgot you got a weak constitution.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I mutter, hooking it around my ears. _It’s nauseating. I don’t know how he can stand it._

He dips another strip of fabric into his bucket and lets the mishmash of color soak in. “So what’s going on? We haven’t talked face to face yet. You’ve been hard to get ahold of.”

“Thank Ryou for that,” I return. “It’s like all he’s forgotten is that I’m a murderer and that he stopped...” I shake my head, unsure how much Kanji knew. “You know,” I tell him. “We were, _uhm_ , really close?”

Kanji nods. “You were—Don’t be a moron. He’s told me about you two.” Kanji gingerly lays out the strips he’s been swirling around the liquid and turns to me, squinching up his face like he’s sorry. “It ain’t my business, whatever you two did. I’m just saying you don’t gotta hide stuff like that around me.”

“Hunh,” I snort. “Well he thinks we’re still together. So I’m up a creek.”

“Bfft!!” Kanji snickers at my situation.

I call him an asshole and he rolls his eyes, handing me some wool to dye next. “I’m in a difficult position, you know?”

“Not that difficult,” the kid shrugs. “Just tell him—”

“Ooh, I’ve _done_ that,” I reply. “I’ve told him several times already, but he doesn’t want to hear it. Why don’t you tell him for me, if you think you can do a better job?”

Kanji studies me, considering it. “Nah,” he finally decides. “Probably not. I mostly trust you.”

“Mostly?” I repeat.

“You did kill people,” Kanji rejoinders. “It’s not like I can fully trust you after just a month or so of workin’ together.”

“Fair enough,” I mutter, flicking dye on him with my fingertips.

Kanji groans and shoves me, leaving a gigantic-ass handprint on my shirt. “A Tatsumi original,” he grins.

“I’ll kill you,” I tell him through my teeth, but he only laughs. _It’s why I wear shitty clothes here. I know there’s risk involved with Kanji, too._

When it’s lunchtime, we head back into the living room. Teddie actually has Ryoutarou doing some sort of knitting with his whole arms. Teddie beams, pointing, and Ryoutarou’s lost to the rest of us, concentrating. I crouch in front of him, and can just see Ryoutarou’s eyes through the loose knit of thick yarn. They’re watching his big fingers as he loops more of the strand around his opposite wrist. “Looks good,” I smile.

Ryoutarou startles and peeks around whatever the fuck they’ve got him making. “It—” he starts, frowning. “It’s—” Confused, Ryoutarou shakes his head in aggravation. “What the hell _is_ this?”

“Part of a poncho!” Teddie says, leaning on my shoulders to inspect Ryoutarou’s work. The man jerks his face backwards when Teddie gets too close for his comfort.

“Kanji,” I call, once I push the boy off of me. I get behind Ryoutarou and lean on him. Ryoutarou doesn’t flinch or complain or anything.

“I’ll be damned,” Kanji mutters, shaking his head.

Of course Ryoutarou looks up at me and smiles. “You’re a little close, Tohru,” he says and the two kids are awed.

I stare down at him. “How long have we been together, Ryou?”

“Ryou _tarou_ ,” he corrects. “And you didn’t _forget_ , did you? _I_ sure haven’t.”

I swear to hell the floor shakes a little, and I find myself pulling away before I do anything else stupid. _He’s smiling so freely and acting so cute I feel like I need to smash something._

I shove my way past Kanji and into the kitchen while he’s still stunned, like his eyes are gonna bug out of his head. Teddie looks about ready to shit himself. Of course Kanji is right behind me.

“ _What the fuck was that?_ ” he demands, his voice shaking. “I have _never_ seen act so close to _anybody_.”

“I know,” I moan, dragging my hands down my sweaty face. “I can’t _take this_!”

“He definitely hit his head somewhere,” Kanji grunts, miffed. Then he shivers noticeably, giving off an “ugh”.

I help with the cooking, and all four of us—apparently Tatsumi went out somewhere—sit awkwardly around the table. Ryoutarou is the only one who looks at all comfortable. He contentedly eats his food, telling us how good it is.

“Way better than bringing a lunch to work,” Ryoutarou says, bumping his elbow into mine. “Sure beats leftovers, eh?”

I laugh, feeling constricted with the extra sets of eyes on us. _They know this is wrong. They know he wouldn’t be like this if he remembered everything we’ve been through_ —

_Everything I’ve put him through._

I scarf down the rest of my food and high tail it back to the workroom. _I can only take so much in one sitting..._

Kanji pats me on the back when he walks out to meet me. “He’s wearing you ragged, isn’t he?”

I smile wryly. “Just returning the favor,” I say too quietly.

“Hmm?”

“Nothing, Kanji,” I sneer. “Wouldn’t you like to know?”

“How long’s he think you’ve been together?” Kanji questions. “Like you asked him.”

“This whole damn time, I think,” I reply, pushing my hair out of my eyes. Kanji shoots me a pitying look and I glare back. “Don’t pity me, asshole!”

We’re silent after that. He lets me stew and then I try to avoid mentioning Ryoutarou. _I can shoulder this myself. I’ve got it under control._

After work, I have Ryoutarou drive us home. He hums along to one of his CDs and taps on the steering. I surreptitiously watch his fingers bounce up and down along to the beat until he catches me.

“What is it, Tohru?” he inquires with a smirk.

“N-nothing,” I curtly reply, turning away.

He tugs on my ear so I turn back and get to see one of his charming smiles. I sigh as he snatches up my hand, laughing.

_Such a normal scene for a real relationship._

_I’d like to scream. I’d like to open the door and just run—_

Instead, I squeeze his hand, then take mine back. Ryoutarou chuckles, not bothered.

We occupy ourselves with television until Nanako returns, like usual. Even when he was well, Ryoutarou preferred to spend his evenings on the couch. I’d sit with him, game or computer in hand.

I go upstairs to grab my laptop and bring it back down. Ryoutarou’s stretched out on the couch so I take the floor.

“You can jump up here, too,” he invites.

“Aaah,” I yawn. “I’m good down here…”

Ryoutarou dangles a foot over my shoulder and I awkwardly push it away. He scoots so he can rest his hand on me, like he’s not satisfied if we’re not connected. I lay down on my stomach so he can’t reach and then I hear a loud groan.

“Really,” he sniffs. “I’d almost think you were avoiding me.”

“Ha ha,” I try to laugh.

He’s not buying it. “You’re being weird.”

“No,” I reply, sounding sure of myself. “I need to get some work done, is all. It’s difficult with you distracting me.” I shift around so I can see his mildly annoyed expression.

“Look—” Ryoutarou respires. “I can move to the floor.”

“It’s not necessary,” I bluntly tell him. “Take it easy.”

He’s about to argue further when Nanako calls out that she’s home.

“Nanako!” I holler. “So happy you’re back~” I kick my feet back and forth as she enters the room.

The girl lets out a giggle and I roll my eyes. When I look behind myself, I can see that Ryoutarou is aggravatedly trying to grab my foot. I kick his hand and he yelps.

“Stay on your feet, old man,” I joke when he glares at me.

“Is there a plan for dinner?” Nanako questions as she peers into the fridge.

“Not really,” I reply. It’s mostly her and I who prepare the food. “We could walk to the store,” I tell her, conspicuously glancing at Ryoutarou.

“I can do it,” she replies, stretching a little after her backpack is on the floor.

_Please don’t leave me alone any longer…_

“We can come!” I decide, climbing to my feet.

After some deliberation, we try telling Ryoutarou about everything again while cooking dinner. He sits at the table while Nanako and I prep the food.

“It just doesn’t make sense,” Ryoutarou folds and unfolds his hands, looking antsy. “I’m supposed to _believe_ this?”

“You’re hearing it right from the source,” I reason, tapping my chest. “I’ve told you a few times now, but you keep pushing it down.”

“Nanako—” he tries. “This happened so long ago?” She nods. “I really can’t remember?”

“No,” I reply.

“I wouldn’t...” Ryoutarou grunts. “I wouldn’t forget something so big.”

“And it affected Nanako too, remember,” I remind him. _Really—Why am I trying to get him to dislike me? How dumb am I?_

“Nanako,” I tiredly call over to her. “Were you kidnapped?” I rinse my hands in the sink before turning to her. Ryoutarou watches her suspiciously.

“Yes,” she replies.

“Not by _Tohru_!” Ryoutarou bellows.

“No,” she answers in measured words. “By Namatame-san. He thought he was helping me because Tohru set him up. You’re friendly with him.”

Ryoutarou rubs his chin, pensive. “Namatame...San?” he repeats. “That politician up in Tokyo? He was on the news today. They said he’s from here.”

“Yeah,” I confirm. _How many more times will we have to explain this?_

_Is this our new normal? Dinner and explaining my shit past?_

We eat quietly while Ryoutarou processes everything. He keeps stealing glances at me while I pretend everything is totally normal here. After, Nanako tries to give him something so he’ll actually sleep.

“It says to take it with dinner,” she reads the bottle aloud.

“I don’t want anything to sleep,” Ryoutarou complains. “I sleep _fine_!”

“You really don’t,” I mumble from my place washing the dishes.

“What’s that?” he demands.

Nanako sighs. “You’ve been bothering Tohru because you wake up during the night.”

“Well of course that would bother him,” Ryoutarou rolls his eyes. “Probably wake him up by accident. _Sorry, Tohru,_ ” he sarcastically apologizes.

“No,” Nanako replies. “He sleeps in a different room now. You’re going in and waking him up. It has to stop. We all have to move on.”

Ryoutarou flicks his eyes from the pill to the glass of water I’ve set before him. “I don’t—” he uncertainly tries.

“Do you trust me?” I ask, knowing this is a shitty way to go about it.

Ryoutarou nods.

I push the glass of water towards him. “Then take it.”

He glances at his daughter. Nanako folds her arms. “I’m not leaving until you do,” she adds and I inwardly groan. _That’s not going to help._

Ryoutarou puts the pill in his mouth and takes a swig from the glass. “Happy?” he challenges after he swallows. “Show’s over, you can both leave me alone.”

Nanako and I share a look before departing the table. She studies downstairs while Ryoutarou sits on the couch, not watching the news. I steal away to my room to work on Daidara’s website.

Nanako knocks on my door to let me know when her and Ryoutarou are going to sleep. “He went right to bed on his own,” she yawns. “I think we’ll both get more rest tonight.”

“Thanks,” I reply.

“Here,” Nanako replies. “I’m giving you custody of the morning pills, if you’re okay with it.”

“Yeah,” I nod. “Not a problem.”

“You have work tomorrow?”

“Mm,” I nod again. “I can bring him to Daidara’s in the morning, and then he can come with me to Kanji’s later.”

“Alright. I leave it to you,” she tells me— _Trusts_ me. “Goodnight.”

“G’night.”


	5. Dead Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fourth day, which will bring us back to the prologue.

Chapter Four: Dead Inside

(Tohru)

Of _course_ the sleeping pill doesn’t work.

Sometime after midnight, Ryoutarou’s stomping down the hall—angry—and calling my name. I’ve just laid down and don’t feel like dealing with him right now, but I said I would.

I open my door and wave him over. “Ryou,” I whisper. “Come here. Be quiet.”

“What’re you _doing_?” he demands stifling a yawn. _Did the pills make him cranky? That’d be just my luck._

“I’m sleeping. What do you think I’m doing?”

“I don’t fucking know!!” he explodes, taking in my room. “What _is_ all this anyhow?!”

“My stuff,” I tell him.

Ryoutarou raises his eyebrows. “In _here_.”

“Yes,” I affirm. “I live in here. We’re—”

“Hnh! Yeah right. What’s _really_ going on?!” his face contorts as he yawns again. Ryoutarou takes a seat on the couch, shoving my blanket to the side. “What is...” he lets out a big one this time, not trying to be quiet at all.

_Guess that pill wasn’t enough. Fuck it’s like trying to take out a rhinoceros..._

“Are you tired?” I ask, hoping he’ll just fall asleep here.

“Yeah, what do you think?” Ryoutarou spits back at me. “Too damn much going on and I feel like I’m gonna collapse. What is—” He grabs his head, grunting. “Just lemme sit for a minute...”

“Okay,” I reply, watching the weird way he’s reacting to everything.

In a few minutes he’s snoring, his head tucked into his chest. It looks uncomfortable, but I’m afraid that if I try to move Ryoutarou, then he might wake up again. _That was the most unpleasant of the nighttime interruptions._

I unroll my futon and decide to sleep down on the floor. He can have the couch—It’s just not worth it.

When I wake up in the morning, I’m still on my futon and Ryoutarou’s fallen to the floor. I sigh at the sight of him sleeping on the hard floor and shake him, thinking I can get him to trade with me.

“Ryou,” I say his name. He blinks a few times. “Go sleep on the futon,” I tell him, pointing.

“Why am I...” he tries.

I squeeze his shoulder. “Don’t worry, just roll over a few times.” I laugh a little at how close he was to falling on me.

Once he’s down there, I take the couch. I grab another blanket and curl up with my laptop. I do some research on memory loss and PTSD, thinking maybe I can figure something out. _There’s got to be something I can do to help._

I don’t get many leads. It seems it’ll all come back when he can deal with it, or not at all. _That’s depressing._

I toss the computer aside and flick on the television. It’s early, but there has to be something on. Even the news will suffice, I just want some company.

Of course the TV wakes Ryoutarou up again. He takes the big blanket and moves to the couch with me, not even questioning his surroundings this time. I think maybe he knows what’s what, until he takes my blanket away and wraps the big futon quilt around the both of us.

_No such luck._

It’s almost five, the ticker in the corner of the screen tells me. _He’d be up soon anyways._

Ryoutarou dutifully holds the blanket closed and we watch the anchors tell us what happened overnight. The silence feels tenuous, as if breaching communication would break whatever spell has made everything all right.

I must fall back asleep, because I wake back up when I can hear Nanako talking to her father. Ryoutarou’s got his arm around me, propping me upright while my head rests on his shoulder.

“—have to get going,” Nanako finishes. “You’re going to visit your friend, okay?”

I can feel Ryoutarou nodding in reply.

“Good. Tell Tohru I cooked breakfast, okay?” Nanako asks. “I have to get to school. Bye, Dad—Love you.”

“I love you, too,” Ryoutarou uncharacteristically speaks the words aloud. “Have a good day, Nanako.”

“You too,” she says.

Ryoutarou tightens his grip on me as she walks away. “I know you’re awake,” he whispers when she heads downstairs. “Why are you pretending to sleep?”

“I’m _not_ awake,” I mumble and Ryoutarou chuckles, tightening his grip on me.

He pulls me close and I get a pang of loneliness, knowing that this is still not the real him. _It’s not what he’d do if he could remember everything._ But I shove that thought aside and just enjoy the moment.

_For all I’m helping him, I should be able to have this, right?_

That thought is dashed when he starts kissing the side of my face. “Okay,” I mutter, pushing his head away. “Enough.”

“Why?” he breathes hotly in my ear. “Nanako just left—I heard the door.” He clamps his teeth down on the tip of my ear and I groan, losing the motivation to move away. “C’mon, Tohru.”

“No,” I decide, breaking out of the splendid warmth of the blanket and his body heat, and standing up.

“Augh,” Ryoutarou moans when the cold air hits him. He leans his head on the back of the couch and curls up again.

I pick up clean clothes and turn back to Ryoutarou. “I need to take a shower, and then we’re leaving. Go get dressed.”

“Where are we going?” he asks.

_...And he looks so cute and content in that damn blanket I want to tell him we’re never leaving again._

“I have work,” I bite out, annoyed at myself.

Ryoutarou nods and ditches the blanket. He throws it back on the futon and follows me out of the room.

He keeps following me into the bathroom until I wheel on him, frustrated. “You showered last night. Just me. Go change, okay?”

He wanders off in the direction of his room looking lost. I feel my heart drop into my stomach, but move on.

I quickly wash up and throw on the clothes I brought in. I go over my schedule in my head: _Daidara’s, Junes, Kanji’s, Shopping—_

_Fuck. Shopping. I forgot that it’s my turn._

_Whatever. It’ll be fine._

I carry my pajamas back to my room and find Ryoutarou already in there, looking around as if it’s all new again. _Again_.

“Hey,” I clap him on the shoulder. “We’ve gotta get moving.”

“But—” Ryoutarou protests, sweeping his arm around the room.

“Don’t worry so much,” I say in a reassuring tone. “We’ll fix it later.”

Ryoutarou glances behind himself as I pull him to the stairs. “But why is...”

I grimace when he can’t see, I can’t keep a straight face after going through this again and again. At this rate I’ll be dead inside within a week.

Getting Ryoutarou to let go of our living situation is proving more difficult today. He’s still grumbling once he’s in the drivers’ seat of the car. I tell him to bring us to Daidara’s, and at least he hasn’t asked about _his_ job today.

There’s less of a fuss when I leave. Daidara has Ryoutarou helping him organize the store and that keeps him busy enough for me to slip away.

Work is a pain. I stock shelves and help customers who’d rather pretend I didn’t exist. _Anyone who recognizes me zips riiiight in the other direction._ _Anyone who doesn’t, well they usually don’t actually need help anyways._

I spend most of my shift wandering around, trying to stay out of the way. They keep putting me in electronics because I like games, but I’d rather chop off my feet than have to pass that row of TVs every day.

Just remembering that it’s where the kids pulled me out of the other world really crawls up my spine in a bad way. It’s like I get to relive my worst memories every half an hour or so.

But if I wanted to work in a regular electronics store or something, I’d need to commute out of Inaba. And I would need a history of work—Which Junes is providing. _Before, working out of town only meant that I wouldn’t get a ride with Ryoutarou, which I liked. Now..._

_Now things are a little more dicey. Now it would mean practically abandoning him._

_Guess I’m not trying my luck anytime soon._

After my shift, I pack it in quickly and hustle back to Daidara’s. _I don’t want to take advantage of his help. Who knows how long this is going to continue. I’ll probably need him again._

 _I am helping him with the website, but this is... Harder,_ I decide. _It’s harder on you emotionally._

_Well, maybe it’s not as hard on Daidara emotionally. Maybe it’s just me._

_Maybe I’m the only idiot this is really hard on—Maybe Ryoutarou’s just being an asshole and faking it!_ I slap the back of one hand to the palm of the other, like I’ve had a big epiphany while I dawdle.

 _...No. I know that’s not true._ I sigh and grab at my hair with my hands.

“AURGH!!” I moan as I walk along through town, yanking at my long hair. It’s a chilly, wintry day and no one’s even bothering to stare at me as I have a mini breakdown in the middle of the street.

I get it together and finish the walk back to Daidara’s. I’m greeted with the two of them out in the main room of the shop, putting stuff away. Ryoutarou stands up straight when he spies me in the corner of the room.

“We wrote those descriptions, Tohru,” the old man informs me.

“That’s good,” I reply.

Ryoutarou fidgets with a decorative sword. “Hi,” he quietly says to me.

“Hey,” I reply, unsure what’s going on this time. _Do I get Nice or Scared or Confused? Probably not Angry from the way he seems almost skittish._

Daidara claps Ryoutarou on the shoulder. “You boys better get moving on to Kanji’s, right?” he prompts.

“Yeah,” I agree. “C’mon.” I wave Ryoutarou over and he captures my hand immediately. Daidara smiles sympathetically. I return it, feeling awkward. I jiggle our hands as I walk Ryoutarou to the door.

“It’s cold out,” he remarks when we’re in the open air. _We’ll just leave the car at Daidara’s and walk back to it after. He doesn’t mind—Has a pretty good-sized lot in the back._

I nod in agreement. “Do you want gloves or something?” I question, almost reaching into Ryoutarou’s pocket for him.

“I’m alright like this,” he replies, squeezing my hand inside his and stuffing his other arm into a pocket.

 _I’m going to be stoned by the town_ , is what pops into my head. _Everyone already dislikes me, and now I’m all chummy with Ryoutarou again?_

He doesn’t seem to notice the two people I catch staring at us, just purposely ambles towards the textile shop. For once, Ryoutarou confidently leads the way. _I wonder what Daidara said to him to inspire this shift in attitude?_

That certitude drops however, when we notice Sakamoto hanging around the front door to the shop. Ryoutarou drops my hand and waves to his boss.

“What brings you here on your day off?” Ryoutarou questions the other man.

Sakamoto raises his eyebrows and appraises us with interest. “My day off,” he repeats.

Ryoutarou bobs his head conversationally. “Yeah, that’s what Daidara told me.”

“And what do you think of Adachi?” the chief asks him. “If I even have to ask...”

 _He saw the hand-holding!_ I cringe.

“Tohru?” Ryoutarou cocks his head to the side. “He’s a pretty solid worker, isn’t he?” He pats me on the shoulder as he says it.

I grind my teeth together silently while Sakamoto gives me a look. “I do my best,” I nervously add.

“Hmph,” the man noncommittally replies, brushing my comment off. “That’s all you think of him?”

“Well,” Ryoutarou rubs the back of his neck. “He’s a great guy.” He slings an arm around my shoulders and I try not to wince.

Sakamoto sighs. “Nothing else?”

Ryoutarou shrugs and reaches to pet my head. “He’s a good kid, huh? We got lucky.”

I give Sakamoto a strained smile and he can tell this is killing me. _Exactly what I always wanted! To spend every five minutes remembering every single thing I have to feel guilty about._

“We’ll give him more time,” Sakamoto says to me as he starts down the road. I nod and then he tells us goodbye, taking off for the station again.

“He was weird, huh?” Ryoutarou snorts, dragging me around by the neck. He was always physical with me, but the amount of touching he keeps instigating has me wishing he’d just hit me instead.

We walk inside and ditch out shoes. Ryoutarou is still being overly-affectionate.

It’s too weird having him act so bubbly and easygoing. _Always thought I’d like something like this, but instead I feel hemmed in. Like he’s clinging to me because he doesn’t know what to do._

“Is that what you’re doing?” I accidentally mutter aloud.

“Is what?” Ryoutarou repeats, manipulating me so that my knees buckle.

I groan and go down. Ryoutarou snickers. “I can still get you,” he proudly states, even though he had me completely pinned yesterday. _Guess that’s out of his head, too._

Ryoutarou helps me to my feet and drags me by the hand to the living room. Tatsumi asks if we want dealt into a round of cards and Ryoutarou looks to me for confirmation. I shrug.

_I don’t know what you want. I suppose that you don’t either, but this is a lot to put on me._

I sit between him and Teddie. We play until Kanji calls that lunch is ready, and then we all get to the table.

The big kid plops down next to Ryoutarou and asks leading questions like he’s trying to gauge how much awareness is up there. He really makes a sour face when Ryoutarou whispers something about how happy he is that he’s got me.

I hold up my arms. _Not much I can do, Kanji._

When we’re done eating I make sure to bus the dishes so I can get a minute alone with Kanji. “Don’t be an asshole,” I tell him. “I know my place.”

“Fuckin’ should,” he grunts. I want to kick him in the knee or smash his smug face in, but I think better of it. _I won’t forget this, though._

We get on fairly well these days, but he’s protective of Ryoutarou. They got close while I was away and are honestly a little too bro-y for my tastes.

_Doesn’t Kanji see how hard this is on me, too? Don’t get in a fit over something I don’t have a lot of control over._

The afternoon is pretty calm. I dodge more time with Ryoutarou by sticking close to Kanji while we work. We’re about to close up when Ryoutarou wanders into the store.

“What’d you make today?” he asks us.

“I’ll show you~” Teddie excitedly volunteers, grabbing Ryoutarou’s arm to drag him to the table with the clothes he’s designed.

Ryoutarou shrugs him off, though. “I wanna see what Tohru made,” he tells the boy. He strides right for me and stands there, adamant about seeing what I did, like I’m a kid or something.

When I don’t answer right away, Ryoutarou folds his arms defensively. “You won’t show me?” he accuses. “I know you were out here working.”

“Y-yeah,” I scratch at my head. “I was—”

“So what did _you_ make?” Ryoutarou demands.

Kanji rolls his eyes as he locks the front door. “He’s made practically everything on that wall,” he points to where there are dyed and woven bolts of cloth.

Ryoutarou walks over to my section and studies my work as though he’s never seen a single thing I’ve made here. He’s about to grab a scarf off its hanger when Kanji continues, letting him know about the project I just finished.

“Today...?” the idiot goes on. “Today Tohru knitted. Just completed the sweater I asked for. Wanna get more winter wear to show off.”

“Yeah,” I sigh, pointing to a cable-knit sweater Kanji just set in the window not ten minutes ago.

Ryoutarou’s gaze locks on and he zips right over to the thick, pale blue garment. “I want it,” he announces.

Kanji glances at me, unsure. I subtlety shake my head.

“Can’t,” Kanji tells him, walking over to take it away.

“I wanna buy it,” Ryoutarou changes his tone. “How much?”

Groaning, Kanji tries to think up a ridiculous number. “Ten thousand yen.”

“Done,” Ryoutarou answers, fishing out his wallet.

I feel myself about to panic. _I do not want him to have that damn sweater! This is going to make everything else so, SO much worse. I can’t take it—_

Kanji sweats too while Ryoutarou counts out the bills. “Here,” Ryoutarou holds out the cash, protectively keeping the sweater under his arm. “It’s my favorite color—I want it,” he reiterates, waving the stack of cash at Kanji.

Teddie looks like his eyes are about to pop out. _We’re never able to sell a sweater for more than eight thousand._

“W-w-want me to wrap it up for you?” the bear blurts.

“No,” Ryoutarou declares. “I’m wearing it home.”

_—And I’m going to kill myself._

“Take the money,” Ryoutarou tells Kanji. “Or I’m leaving it on the kitchen table.”

_Two options: Take the money. Or admit that he’s overselling it._

Kanji looks guilty as he takes the money from Ryoutarou. I know he’ll just give it back to me later to stick in his wallet or pass along to Nanako.

“Let’s go home,” Ryoutarou says as he puts on the sweater. He holds out his hand to me, and Kanji has this expression like he knows we’ve been steamrolled but there’s nothing we can change about the situation without having a huge argument.

_He looks so—_

_The sweater—_

I can’t get a coherent thought to stick as I take Ryoutarou’s hand and we walk into the house. Even Teddie is taken aback by how quickly Ryoutarou took control of the situation and got what he wanted.

 _I made that. He’s wearing it_ , I finally manage as we put on our shoes. _He likes it._

_He likes it BECAUSE I made it?_

I reach for my coat, but Ryoutarou’s already got it, passing the jacket to me before I realize he’s completely taken control out of my hands. “Do you even know where we’re going?” I exclaim.

_I need to squash the voice that’s excited about the sweater. This still isn’t ‘real’._

“Daidara’s,” he authoritatively replies. “To...” Ryoutarou pauses and chuffs. “— _Car_. To get the car,” he finishes. _Something’s sticking...!_

“Right,” I confirm. _Something stuck._

We march back over there in silence, holding hands. _I don’t like that I’m starting to get used to this. It’s breaking me in half._

We retrieve the car and head home. Ryoutarou doesn’t say anything, apparently content to tap along to one of his CDs on the steering wheel. I go over all the hurdles of the evening in my head.

 _There’s my room. Bathing. Getting him to bed._ I count off on my fingers. _His room. His dopey feelings_ —

_Shove it down._

At home, Ryoutarou wants to watch the news with me. I excuse myself to get a game from my room, but he’s all over my ass, following me upstairs.

“Why don’t you get everything set up for us?” I try.

“I’ll come with you,” Ryoutarou insists. “You’re just going up for a minute, right?”

I block the staircase as best I can. “Really,” I tell him. “I’ll only be a few seconds. Just turn on the TV, get a snack, and so on.”

“I could make us some coffee,” he realizes. “Grab that blanket in the hall closet...”

_NO. NO BLANKET._

“Wh-what a great idea!” I reply through clenched teeth.

_I AM GOING TO BURN EVERY BLANKET IN THIS HOUSE._

“Yeah,” Ryoutarou laughs. “It is, huh?”

_I SWEAR I MAKE ONE THING EASIER AND ANOTHER MORE DIFFICULT AT THE SAME TIME._

I step into my room and locate my portable Playstation. I see my futon still out from this morning, when we were cuddling on the couch.

_Just tell him ‘no’. Hide the damn blankets. Convince him that a blanket is not a thing._

I need to grow a pair and refuse. But I know it’s not in me anymore. _I like this as much as he does._

Carrying my game, I walk slowly back downstairs. I can smell fresh coffee and hear the television. There’s a big, comfy-looking winter blanket on the floor by the kotatsu. _Maybe I can take up a whole side myself..._

I spread out on the side facing the glass door, really positioning my legs so that there is absolutely no room for anybody else. I’m real proud of myself until I see two coffee cups plunk down in front of me. Ryoutarou sits behind me and wraps the blanket around his shoulders.

“No TV?” he inquires.

I lay my head down on the table. _I fucking give up. I cannot shake him for more than five minutes._

“I was going to do this,” I hold up my game. “Why don’t you sit over there,” I uselessly point. “And you can still watch the news.”

“Hnn, I’ll pass.” Ryoutarou leans his head on my shoulder and watches me play a JRPG. He wraps his arms around me and I can feel the weight of the new sweater between us.

_Nanako is going to murder me..._

_Not only will she come home to this mess, but he bought a ridiculously overpriced, probably shoddily-made sweater._ It’d be funny if it wasn’t happening to me.


	6. Changing Tactics

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The fifth day is going to be a little different.

Chapter Five: Changing Tactics

(Tohru)

It’s the morning of the fifth day and Nanako’s called me into her room. She sits at her desk, spinning a pen around the way I’ve seen Ryoutarou do himself.

_Last night was the worst yet. He dragged me down the hall kicking and swearing._

“I think we should call off the sleeping pills,” I tell her.

Nanako nods, and then her eyes flick around the room as she considers what she’s about to ask me. “How much is it going to mentally wreck you to humor him?”

I open my mouth, but can’t push out any words. _And then have to go back to nothing—_ Is all I can think to myself.

“I don’t...” I shake my head.

Nanako nods. “I’m changing my stance. You can do whatever you think is going to make this easier for the both of you—So what do _you_ want?”

I swallow. “I never wanted to break up, either,” I admit.

“Do you think that’s what this is about—For him?”

_I don’t know. I can’t make all these decisions!_

I cautiously shake my head again. “I really don’t know.”

“They think maybe it could have been the stress of pushing you away when you came to live here that built up, when it’s not what he wanted,” Nanako admits. “I don’t think it’s what he wanted,” she admits, sighing.

“I think dad always wanted things to be the same,” she confesses. “I think it’s been hard on him to have to put up walls.”

“So I should...”

Nanako sighs. “Do whatever you want. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m bringing him back to the clinic on Saturday, tomorrow. I already took it off.”

“Do you want me to take it off?” I ask.

“No,” she replies. “You look like you need a break. I’ll let you know what happens.”

I nod, wishing there was more I could do.

“We’ll all get through this,” Nanako tells me. “I can’t tell you what to do, but I see how Dad’s been acting. You can do whatever you need to, too. It’s not your fault this happened.”

We end our conversation and I turn to leave. _But I know it’s my fault—In the long run, that is._

I walk back down the hall to wake Ryoutarou. He was still out when I slipped away to talk with Nanako.

_So I can do whatever I want, huh?_

Peering into the room, I can see Ryoutarou sleeping soundly. _Can I really go lay down with him like that’s normal? There isn’t anything wrong with that?_

I slip back into the futon and when he feels my presence, Ryoutarou automatically rolls over to grab onto me. I let him, and we sit like that for a few minutes and I rub his arm until he’s more awake.

“Morning,” Ryoutarou mumbles to me, cracking his eyes open.

Smiling tentatively, I reply. “Mornin’.”

Ryoutarou leans over to kiss me and I let him, feeling foolish that it could have been this easy all along. He’s got pretty bad morning breath and I wrinkle my nose. Ryoutarou laughs softly and breathes on my face. I lightly slap the side of his and then we’re both laughing.

_How is it so easy now?_

_Why have I been so insistent about holding back?_

It all seems dumb now that we’re talking together about our plans for the day while he pets my head. _It feels like all the years are just melting away. As if we were always like this..._

But I don’t know how long I can let it carry on. I don’t want to get used to this if it’s all going to go away again.

I feel unsure of what to do as we get dressed and eat breakfast. I slip Ryoutarou the pill and he takes it without argument. He hasn’t even asked about my stuff, and I think we’re in the clear when Nanako takes off before us. But then all hell breaks loose.

The _minute_ she’s gone, Ryoutarou’s standing right next to me saying we should spend the day off at home. _Doesn’t remember I have work, huh?_

“Come on, Tohru,” he pleads. “This morning was great, just spending tome together and taking it easy. Let’s do that for the whole day!” He throws his arms around me while I’m washing the dishes.

I wriggle free and keep up the work, but he’s insistent. When I’m done, Ryoutarou’s dragging me to the living room to sit down at the kotatsu and I’m starting to worry that I won’t make it to Kanji’s by eight.

 _My shift isn’t till later today, so I don’t need to be concerned about missing that. But I told Kanji I’d help him put up hooks, and I’ll need him to keep an eye on Ryoutarou_ — _Who clearly doesn’t want to move or do anything._

We’re on the long side and he’s still got his arm around me like he thinks I’m going to make a run for it—Which is a safe assumption. I should be rushing us to the car.

Instead, I’m leaning on Ryoutarou and thinking about what it would be like to cut work. Feeling guilty, I send off a text to Kanji, asking him if I can skip this morning. I tell him something’s come up and Ryoutarou won’t leave. _It’s not really a lie._

_He’ll give me hell for it later, but right not I can’t find it in me to care._

“Lemme up,” I tell Ryoutarou. He glances at me, looking upset that I want to move. “Geez,” I sigh. “I just want to get my laptop...”

“Alright,” he nods, and I’m up the stairs in a few seconds.

I take a breather in my room. _I’m making all sorts of bad decisions right now. The least I can do is work on the website. Maybe I can update a few things for Kanji, too._

I check my phone: Kanji told me to take care and we can do it later or tomorrow. I let him know I’m going to fix a few things on his site, so he should email me a list of what he wants worked on.

Bringing my laptop back downstairs, I notice Ryoutarou at the counter, grinding coffee. It’s something he’s not done since all this started. Taking it as a good sign, I migrate back under the kotatsu. I lay down on my stomach so I can roll around and type while being comfy.

Ryoutarou carries the coffee over in our mugs when it’s ready. He sets mine down in front of me and sips at his. He watches the headlines and pats my head intermittently. _This is nice._

When I finally close my laptop to make lunch, Ryoutarou starts to pay me more attention to me. I start to crawl out from the warmth of the table and quilt, when he yanks me over to him.

“Wait,” Ryoutarou says. He lies down next to me and gets reeeeally close. “Before you get up...”

I’m pretty blindsided by that transition, because then he’s kissing me and rolling me over onto my back. _This is getting out of control pretty quickly. I mean, I can’t let him do this—_

_The situation is a bit different than the reality, and—_

I finally stop him when he starts to push up my shirt. “Nnn-no— _Uuh_ —“ is all I get out. “ _No_ ,” I try again more forcefully, unsure how to follow that with something normal. “Because I’m really hungry. We need to eat lunch.”

Ryoutarou stares down at my face like I’m the world’s biggest idiot. “This won’t take long,” he assures me.

_Bzzt, wrong. Not the answer I was looking for._

Clenching my teeth so I don’t sigh, I rest my hand on his shoulder and direct him to move off— _Please go literally anywhere else but on top of me_. “Maybe later,” I stall.

He’s still dumbfounded as he rolls away so I can get up. I catch him watching me all the while I’m preparing everything to make mixed rice.

We’re eating before he broaches the subject again: “ _You_ ,” he starts, full of sarcasm. “Don’t want to have _sex_.”

I chew the inside of my cheek. “Other things needed done. Why are you still on about that?”

“It’s weird.”

 _You’re weird,_ I reply in my head. _You’ve gone wacky on us, is why all of this is happening._

I go back to eating my food. “Not happening. I’m a busy guy.”

“You could give me some attention,” Ryoutarou pouts.

_I stayed home for you! What else do you realistically want?!_

“We have to go out this afternoon,” I tell Ryoutarou, changing the subject again.

“Oh,” is all he says as he stares out the window.

I clear the dishes and try not to let his neediness affect my mood. _I need to get shit done. I have work to go to. I need to get him to Kanji’s and make sure he’s still good. I can’t be making everything else worse._

Ryoutarou watches television while I finally get ready for work. I accidentally brought my Junes badge home. I pick it out of the junk drawer and pin it to my shirt. _If things are starting to stick..._

“Do you remember where I work?” I ask Ryoutarou.

“The...” he squints while he considers the question. His eyes dart around, finally resting on my badge. “ _The Junes_.” He nods, thinking he’s got it, which he does! “And it’s not new.”

“Bingo~” I reply. “We need to get going, grab your jacket. Can you drive?”

“Yes!” he grunts, standing. Of course he grabs the new sweater and puts it on under his coat. I bite my tongue to keep from saying anything too nice.

Ryoutarou takes me to the store, instead of stopping at Kanji’s first. “You want to drive there on your own?” I question.

“I wanted to drop you off, Tohru,” he tells me, giving me a small smile. Ryoutarou leans over to kiss me, but I dodge back.

He looks hurt, so when he grabs my shirt to drag me closer, I let him. He’s gentle about it, pulling me just close enough so our lips barely meet. My face tingles with the brief contact before he pulls back, grinning.

I shiver slightly—I know he feels it because he laughs and lets go of my shirt. “Have a good day at work, Tohru,” Ryoutarou says, unlocking the car door so I can make a break for it before I fucking melt or something else stupid.

I walk into the back of the store and head for the break room. I put on my stupid smock for stocking the shelves and get to it. _I want this shift to go by so fast I don’t even notice._

_I need some time with my brain turned off. Please no one speak to me today..._

I’m lucky. I only have to speak once, when someone asks where they can find the restrooms. I spend the rest of the time stocking the shelves and unloading stuff from the warehouse. I’m by no means ‘strong’, but I’ve managed to stay fit enough that the physical labor isn’t a bother.

After my shift, I pick up some groceries to make dinner. Easier than having to go back out.

I wait in the back for Ryoutarou, feeling anxious that he might not show up. _Kanji never told me that he didn’t go there, so I assumed he did get there all right. If it can get through to him that I work here, maybe I can make other things permeate his thick skull._

I laugh a little at my own joke. _He’s always been hard-headed, but this is ridiculous._

Ryoutarou does indeed show up, with Kanji in the passenger’s seat. The kid moves to the back when I come out. I’m immediately alert, I know if Ryoutarou tries to be all touchy I need to tell him to back off.

When he reaches for my hand, I subtly pull away and it’s painful—I’ve already started letting him do this, I shouldn’t take it away. Ryoutarou furrows his brow when I don’t give him what he wants. He chuffs and pulls the car out of the lot.

Kanji rolls his eyes, so I glare at him. He repeats the action and I flip him off.

“I’m coming over for dinner,” he lets me know and I feel my face scrunching up into an unsavory expression. Kanji laughs, covering his mouth and really cracking up. “ _Thought_ you’d be happy about that,” he surmises.

“Ha ha,” I dryly reply. “Is Ted coming?”

“Naah,” he says. “He’s staying with Ma.”

“Okay,” I nod.

At home, Kanji gets out of the car and Ryoutarou locks the doors immediately. Both of us look surprised, so Ryoutarou rolls down the window and tells him to go on inside. Kanji shoots me a look like I’m being kidnapped. I wave him off. _Easier to just get this over with._

“Kanji’s being odd,” Ryoutarou tells me when the kid’s out of sight.

“What’d he say about me?” I sigh.

Ryoutarou shakes his head. “No, _me_ ,” he replies. “He said I don’t like you, and then tried to convince me it’s the truth. I didn’t think he’d do something so...” He shakes his head and rubs his forehead. “Why would he do that? Is there something wrong with him?”

“No,” I carefully reply. “Do you remember me telling you that you’ve been off?”

Ryoutarou frowns and shakes his head. “Why would _I_ be off?”

“You’re forgetting stuff,” I say, resting my hand on his arm. “It’s going to—” I sigh. “It’s going to be okay.”

“What do you mean?” he scoffs. “I don’t want Kanji spreading lies about us!” _And now he’s starting to get worked up..._

“It’s not—” I grit my teeth. “We broke up— _Before_.”

Ryoutarou groans and grabs at his forehead again. “No we didn’t—” he snarls. “Why would—” His breathing starts to get uneven and rough as he tries to work everything out.

When he starts to pitch forward into the steering wheel and I catch him with my arm. “Chill!!” I yelp. “You’re gonna get yourself all worked up if you—”

“No!” he interrupts me, spitting the words out while he starts to clearly panic. “This is _moronic_!!” He massages his head and grumbles more to himself.

I finally unbuckle myself and lean over the console to hug him. “Hey, no,” I try to appease him. “I’ll take care of it,” I decide. “I _will_.” I reach up with my free hand and rub the back of his head. Ryoutarou breathes heavily a few more times and then starts to calm down.

I reach for his buckle and then he’s leaning all his weight on me, mumbling. “I don’t understand...”

“I know,” I reply, because I do know. _You’re so stubborn_ , I say to myself.

We finally get inside to see Nanako and Kanji already making the food. He took custody of the groceries, thankfully.

Nanako asks me a question with her eyes and I smile back as best I can. “We’re good,” I insist.

“Aren’t you going to,” Ryoutarou murmurs to me as I help him take off his jacket.

I sigh and turn to the others, hoping that Nanako’s already filled Kanji in. “We’ve worked out our problems,” I announce. “Annnnnnd we’re doing well.” _I don’t feel so good, all of a sudden_ —

“So please don’t ask Ryou—” I squeeze my eyes shut. “Ryou—Ryou _tarou_ about our problems again.”

He’s got his arm around my shoulders and is nodding emphatically. Kanji looks like his eyes are about to burst out of his head, while Nanako smiles sympathetically at me.

“I need,” I peel myself free from Ryoutarou. “I need to use the bathroom,” I mutter, breaking away from everyone.

I barricade myself inside the first floor’s half-bathroom, locking the door. I run my hands up and down my face, splashing cold water from the sink against myself. _You can do this, Tohru. This is what you wanted, isn’t it?_

_Isn’t it??_

Looking in the mirror, I notice how tired I look. _I’ve gotten practically no sleep since it all began._

 _This way, I can live the life I wanted in the first place, before things got too bad and I couldn’t fight my way out_ —

 _Before I made everything so much worse and made Ryoutarou swear me off_ —

_It’s as if I’ve been gifted a second chance. I can’t waste it!!_

But I still feel like I’m doing the wrong thing. A part of me still feels like I’m betraying his trust.

When I open the door, Ryoutarou’s right there, still in that pale blue sweater. I sigh and hug him.

“Am I doing the right thing?” I ask into his shoulder.

“Yeah,” he reflexively tells me. “You usually are.” He reaches up to ruffle my hair and I let him. _That’s really not true, but I guess it’s supposed to be the thought that counts._

After I pull away, I look my again-boyfriend in the eyes. “We need to have a serious discussion later, and you are _not_ going to like it.” He raises his eyebrows. “But if we’re really in this together, you need to listen to me and keep it up there,” I poke the side of his head for emphasis and he grabs my hand and rubs it against his stubble.

I sigh and squinch my eyes shut. “Can you promise that you’re gonna try and take me seriously?”

“Always,” he replies. And _his_ eyes look sharp—Like he’s really going to listen to me. _Like I can trust him again._

I inhale deeply and pat the side of his face. He smiles at that and we walk back to the main room. Dinner goes pretty smoothly, and later Teddie drives Kanji’s car over to pick him up.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” Kanji tells Nanako while Teddie hugs her tightly. “I’m going to the clinic, too,” he fills me in as he bundles up.

“Great,” I reply, not trying to sound sarcastic.

Kanji smiles weakly. “I know we’re all doing our best,” he tells me. “Nanako and I talked earlier...” He flips up his collar against the wind and moves closer to where I’m washing the dishes. “I know just as much as you, or less. I don’t claim to have all the answers. I just want Ojisan to be happy, okay?”

“I know,” I honestly reply. _I’ve always known that, stupid._ I punch his chest lightly to play off my emotions. Kanji laughs and then he and Teddie take off.

Nanako sits in the living room doing her homework and talking to Ryoutarou on and off. When I finish with the dishes though, Ryoutarou’s attention flits to me. I catch Nanako giving him such a warm look that he doesn’t even notice and it rubs my heart raw.

I swallow the lump in my throat and walk over to join them, finally feeling like I have the place I’ve been wanting this whole time. _Like it’s really mine, now_ — _Finally._

I drop down next to Ryoutarou and his hand crawls over to mine, and I let him hang onto it this time. I don’t feel any need to hide or be embarrassed in front of Nanako, after she’s basically given me her blessing to be who I want to him.

 _It’s still_ —

 _It’s still off_ —

_WE’RE still a long way off from being normal. But this is something._

I scan the room, and it’s just a regular night here. The only difference is the open way that Ryoutarou is affectionately rubbing my hand with his. But it’s still enough to make my vocal cords seize up so that I can’t form an answer when Nanako passes me her English book to check the translation.

I have to reach up and swipe at my eyes. Ryoutarou brings his face down to mine and peers at me. Then he reaches up to help.

I laugh bitterly as he brushes his hand along my cheeks, collecting the tears for me. “R-really?” I choke out. “ _Really_ —”

Nanako looks concerned as she sets her notebook down to question me. “Tohru,” she says in a way that’s more concerned than she should be.

“F-f-fine,” I mumble. Intuiting that there isn’t anything he can do, Ryoutarou kisses my forehead before pulling back. “I’m g-gonna,” I try to get my words out. I take a shaky breath and cough. “Lemme see.” I grab Nanako’s homework and look it over quickly before trying to excuse myself.

“I’m gonna go take a bath,” I say in a quiet voice. I stand and Ryoutarou grabs my arm, meaning to follow me.

Nanako gets his attention, though. “Could you help me go over math?” she asks him. “Exam tomorrow...”

“Yeah,” he dutifully agrees, not letting go of my hand. “Wait for me,” he commands.

“No I,” I rack my brain. “I need some time alone,” I settle for the truth.

Ryoutarou watches dolefully as I pull away from them and cross to the stairs. I collect myself during my brief twenty minutes or so of silence, and then it’s time. _Time to make him face it all again._

I fetch Ryoutarou from downstairs, making sure I explain my plan in front of Nanako. “We wont go over everything tonight. But if you can accept this much tonight—and remember it in the morning—then we’ll be okay.”

“We’re _not_ okay?” Ryoutarou latches right on.

I squeeze his hand. “We _are_ ,” I assure him. “But I need you to understand that we broke up for a while—Just—” I sigh. “A while. Can you live with that?”

“Why?”

“That’s not important right now,” I slowly tell him. “Just get it through your head that we did.”

“Fine,” he huffs. “But we’re not—” he sighs. “ _Now_ ,” he tries again.

I shake my head. “No. We’re okay now. That’s what you want?”

“Obviously!” he rolls his eyes.

“Okay,” I agree. “Yeah, that’s not what’s going on now. But I haven’t put my stuff away yet. It’s still down the hall, so don’t freak out.”

“Whatever,” he roughly replies, argumentative.

I nod to Nanako and grab Ryoutarou’s hand. “Okay, let’s go. You can bathe second and then we’ll go to bed. We have to be up early. I have work and you have a doctor’s appointment.”

“Why?” he asks me.

“Routine,” Nanako tells him, assuaging the next argument. “I’ll go with you.” She opens another book and smiles at us. “Good night.”

Ryoutarou returns the sentiment and then leads me upstairs, already feeling more comfortable again. And since I somewhat explained our situation, he doesn’t ask about my stuff—Simply grabs his pajamas and bathes himself without harassing me at all.

I sit in his room with a game, feeling weird to be back here yet again. When Ryoutarou returns, he doesn’t act like anything is different. He just hunkers down under the covers and yanks me over to him.

“Little busy,” I voice.

“Put it away,” he complains, leaning his head into the back of my neck.

I sigh, but it’s not out of irritation, like it used to be. _This is_ —

 _This isn’t something I thought would ever be a normal issue again. Of course I’ll put it away._ I save the game and toss it aside.

 _Of course I’ll happily_ —

Ryoutarou kisses the back of my neck. “Love you,” he murmurs.

“Y-yeah,” I reply.

— _Do anything._

I cover his hands with mine and close my eyes. For the first time in a long time, I don’t feel as if I belong somewhere else. I don’t feel the nagging guilt that I’ve ruined everything beyond repair.

_I feel like I can maybe fix some of this mess I’ve created._


	7. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sixth day is DEFINITELY different.

Chapter Six: Breaking Point

(Tohru)

I wake up much the same way I fell asleep: wrapped up with Ryoutarou.

I start to open my eyes, knowing it’s going to be a better day. _It’s nice, being like this. I like seeing him first thing._

Ryoutarou’s still asleep, curled up and hanging onto me. _Can’t we just stay like this?_

I had an idea in the middle of the night... An idea to give him one last chance to remember all of the stuff he’s pushing down. _Maybe he’ll hate me again._

Realizing I’m holding onto him kind of tight, I slacken my grip on Ryoutarou’s back. He mumbles in his sleep and pulls me closer.

“Time to get up,” I murmur against him. He groans and yawns.

“Tohru,” he says and rubs my back. I stretch out against his arm and Ryoutarou runs his fingers all the way down my back. I jump a little and he laughs.

“C’mon,” I bump our heads together. “Let’s get going.”

The morning is thankfully restful. We eat, and then I’m off. Nanako lets me know that Kanji and Teddie are coming by to go to the clinic with her and then play board games. I let her know what time I’ll be back, and start my brutal walk to work.

_So cold..._

I clap my hands together, trying to get some feeling back in them. _I liked it when he drove me. Not just because it’s warm, but we’d talk and..._

_I need to snap out of it. I have a plan._

_Worst case scenario: we go back to the way we were before this happened. Which isn’t the end of the world. I was pretty happy, getting to live here and be with him and Nanako. It’s not ideal, but it’s better than being all on my own again._

_...Really, when I get down to it, I love them._

_And that’s why I need to make sure I’m doing this ‘right’. The book is the obvious choice._

After work, I pick up supplies for my latest idea: a little picture book that he can look back at and use to remember everything. _Maybe it’s stupid to make him remember, but... It’ll get the job done._

_This way, I’ll know he’s serious about wanting me back. I just feel too funny about otherwise._

_I have done terrible things, but I just can’t take a fake relationship. There’s no way around it. When I know how good it could be, I need to have the real thing._

Walking home, I really miss the car even more. I lug a bunch of paper and some cardboard in a reusable bag. I even bought markers— _Hell, I don’t know what Nanako keeps around._

At the house, I find the four of them playing... _Something._ It looks like a board game, as promised. But I get the feeling it’s one of Teddie’s inventions. _Looks like hell._

I dart past everyone, saying a cursory hello. Ryou grabs my hand and shoots me a questioning look.

“I need to take care of some work,” I let him know. “I’ll be upstairs. I’ll see you all in a bit.”

I’m completely done with the pages when Kanji knocks on my door. I tell him to come in and he takes a seat next to meat the coffee table.

He watches as I bind the pages with a kit from the store. I punch holes and thread string through the openings.

“Nanako said I can do whatever I want,” I explain. “I’m going to give him one more chance to reject me.”

“Just one?” Kanji snorts. I shoot him a cross look and Kanji rolls his eyes. “He’s not gonna.”

“I don’t think so, either,” I agree. _I hope he doesn’t, but I need to give him another shot. I need him to know the whole truth before I start taking this for granted._

Kanji hugs his knees and gives me pointers while I work. When I’m finished, I let him see the book. He pages through, making different noises.

“This is really _somethin’_ , Tohru,” he tells me. “Paints a real picture.”

“ _Good!_ ” I reply. “That’s what I need.”

“Good luck,” Kanji says, glancing away.

I smile at the punk and lightly slap the side of his face. “Whose side are you even on?”

Kanji grunts and smacks me back. “You want me to send him up here?”

“Yeah,” I sigh. “I guess so...”

Ryoutarou soon appears at the door. I hold up my hand and try to grin at him. He frowns back. “What?” he demands, and I guess I must be showing my anxiety.

“This,” I tell him. I direct him to sit on the couch, then hand over the book.

“This says...” He reads the cover. “‘You Don’t Love Me Anymore’, by Adachi Tohru.“

I nod. “It sure does.”

“Hnnh!” he harrumphs. “This is ridiculous... ‘Read the whole book before asking questions.’”

Ryoutarou flips to the first page. “‘I’m not a nice man. I hurt some people very badly and had to go to— _To prison?!_ ’” He looks over at me and his face is thunderstruck. “W-what’s the meaning of this!?”

I sigh. “Read the whole thing first, remember?”

He nods, looking very much like he doesn’t want to do that. “Then there’s a picture of you pushing some women.”

Ryoutarou flips the page. “‘This upset you very much, but you stayed my friend.’ Damn right I would,” he mutters afterwards. “There’s a drawing of me sitting across from you with bars between us.” He flicks his eyes to me. “Your art sucks.”

I roll my eyes and have to laugh a little. _Definitely. I’d only ever do something this stupid for you..._

“‘You told me that you want to be friends, but don’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore...” he trails off. “‘Because I’m a... Bad person...’” Ryoutarou gives me a black look and I wonder if maybe he’s remembering.

But then he comes out with—“I’d always love you!”

I shake my head. “That’s not the same as being _in_ love.”

Ryoutarou’s face twists up as he looks at the drawing. It’s him folding his arms and me nodding.

“‘You wanted me to live here because we’re friends and it’s convenient. I sleep in here’,” he says. “It’s a drawing of this room and your stuff.”

“‘I work at Junes and Kanji’s now. The Junes was built about eight years ago. It’s not new.’” Ryoutarou scoffs and stamps his foot. “Or _course_ it’s not new! I knew that!”

He goes right to the next page. “‘You work at the station. Ryuuji still works there, too. Chie works with you, and this guy Hitoshi.’” He flips again. “‘Nanako is very busy with school. She studies a lot.’” He briefly glances at the last few pages before closing the small, paper-and-cardboard book.

Ryoutarou looks me right in the eye—Locks his gaze onto mine. And then he takes the book in both hands and tears it in half.

“ _Nooo!_ ” I screech as I jump up off the couch. “Why—”

He keeps ripping it in smaller and smaller pieces. “This is _bullshit_ ,” he angrily huffs. “I’d never do any of that!”

By the time I get the pieces from him, it’s definitely too late. _It’s in shreds._

I sigh and lets the pieces fall from my hands. “This is _really_ how you feel?” I ask, anxiety prickling all throughout my body. I’m on high alert as I await his answer.

“Of course,” he softens. “I’d never not want you, Tohru.” He pulls me to him and hugs me. “That book is a load of crap—You can do better than that. Don’t push me away.”

“Then this is where we’re going, I guess,” I say, feeling suddenly antsy. _This is what I’d decided._

_It’s what I’ve wanted—_

_So why do I still feel shitty?_

Ryoutarou pushes me so the backs of my knees knock into the couch and buckle. I end up sitting and he leans over me, kissing me.

“Stop pushing me away,” he says when he pulls back. “Can you do that?”

“I—I’ll try,” I promise.

“Good,” Ryoutarou agrees. “That’s what I need from you.” He reaches out his foot and kicks the door closed before sitting down next to me.

“Wha—” I start when he reaches out and pulls me onto his lap.

Ryoutarou wraps his arms around me and holds me still. “I love you,” he says, looking me straight in the eyes. “Tohru I—I don’t understand why you keep pushing me away. Even if you’ve done some terrible things, I can’t change my feelings.”

“Yeah,” I agree. “That’s why you’re having the memory problems.

He sighs. “I don’t know about that, but—”

“I do,” I quip. “It’s what the doctors said.”

“I don’t care,” he grunts, folding his hands around me.

I give up and throw my arm around his shoulder. Ryoutarou smiles, clearly happy I’m reciprocating. He leans forward to kiss me again, and it’s a nice, soft kiss. It has all the passion that he’s been holding in, but it’s tender and relaxing.

I sigh against him, deciding to let this go wherever it does. _I can’t keep resisting so much. It’s not in me anymore._

Ryoutarou moves to kiss my jawline, the side of my face, and I let him, gripping his shoulder. “Ryoutarou,” I call him what I always used to.

“Tohru,” he replies, right into my ear. Then he rests his head against mine, content to simply sit for a minute.

We lean on each other as the minutes tick by. I feel like I want more than this, but I’m afraid to—Especially with the kids downstairs.

I think he has the same idea, because I can feel him poking into me even though he’s not making a move. Wanting to take this down a notch before one of us tips into something more, I give Ryoutarou one last hug and then slide off of him—

Right as the door opens and Teddie runs in. “What’re you doing?” he brightly questions.

I roll my eyes. “ _Nothing_.”

“Sitting here, holding each other,” Ryoutarou replies, smiling blithely.

I pinch my eyes shut and sigh. _Great job playing it cool._

“They were taking bets,” Teddie reports. “About whether or not you were okay up here.”

“We’re _fine_ ,” I let him know.

“Very in love,” Ryoutarou sarcastically adds with a smirk, and if he didn’t look so happy I’d smack him. _That’s the kind of shit they’re waiting to hear downstairs. And he must know it._

“Shoo,” I tell Ted, waving my arm. “Be gone and we’ll be down in a minute.”

The thin boy nods and scarpers out of the room. I give Ryoutarou a look, but he seems pretty proud of himself.

“He won’t come back,” Ryoutarou concludes before leaning over to kiss me again, this time more intensely.

“W-woah,” I murmur, falling backwards with him on top of me. “You wanna do this now?” I ask as he continues to move around, changing his target to my neck. I stupidly moan, which gets him more revved up.

Ryoutarou starts to push away my shirt and touch my stomach and chest. He moves his head down there as the damn door clicks open again—

“Oh,” we hear, and it’s _not_ Teddie this time, but Nanako.

I turn my face to check before I can register her voice and I know I’m bright red. The door slams shut and Ryoutarou sighs.

“Super,” he gripes and hangs his head over me. “ _That’s_ what I wanted...”

Ryoutarou slumps down on top of me. I pat his back. “It’ll be okay.” _I hope._

_We did JUST get back together. I don’t want Nanako thinking this was all I wanted. It’s not. I want—_

_I want EVERYTHING._

“Come on,” I grab Ryoutarou’s hand and stand to go back downstairs. “Let’s just go see them.”

Everything is fine when we arrive down on the first floor. Nanako doesn’t seem too traumatized, and the others are acting normal.

I hold up our hands and try not to sigh. “We’re doing good,” I announce, trying to assuage any comments.

We take out seats at the low table and play some word game—Thankfully not Teddie’s game! We’re dealt cards and have to line them up into words, which isn’t too hard, and I find it kind of enjoyable.

After the game is over, Nanako and I prepare dinner. It’s just a simple hotpot for the five of us. I set up a portable burner and Nanako and Teddie bring over the bowls of food.

I take my seat back down next to Ryoutarou when we eat and he happily scoots over to make more room. He smiles warmly and gestures for me to reach out for the food first. I feel myself flushing as I nod and pick the food I want to toss in.

He puts his arm around my back and watches contentedly as everyone else picks their food, too. _When did he get so easygoing? He would’ve had to have been the first one eating or he was likely to blow his stack!_

Ryoutarou finally dumps in some of his favorites last, and the others are also watching him closely. Teddie shifts around nervously, as if he’s confused at Ryoutarou’s shift in demeanor. _He was like this at the store, but that could have been chalked up to his confusion. I guess seeing him in his natural habitat is different._

Dinner goes well, with the kids all talking in a lively way while Ryoutarou and I quietly chat with each other. At first, it’s just simple things, like ‘can you pass me x’ or ‘want to taste y’, bit it’s the fact that we’re _doing_ it—That we’re getting in sync with each other again.

I tell him about the sweater, which he’s still wearing despite the fact that this house feels way too warm—But that _could_ just be me. _With all these people and the lively atmosphere, it feels ten degrees warmer at least._

After, Kanji and I clean up while Nanako works and Teddie pretends to help her. We wash dishes and put everything back in order.

“You’re really going through with this?” Kanji questions.

“Yeah,” I reply, sounding more sure of myself than I feel. “I am. I’m gonna just dive back in.”

“What if _you_ get hurt?” he asks me, showing what I think is sincere concern for me. _I hate it when he gets all sappy like this. The punk should stay a punk!_

I grab a dish away from him to dry it. “I’ll be _fine_ ,” I snap. “If he remembers everything, it’s all fixed, anyways. That’s the _preferred_ outcome.” I dry the dish and mutter a few swears to myself.

Kanji sighs. “You know that’s not what you want.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want. If he remembers and dislikes me again, I can’t stop him. It’s my turn to fit into the role he needs from me.”

“Very mature way to consider things,” he snorts. “Very unlike you.”

“Shut up,” I hiss. “It doesn’t matter what I want if he doesn’t want me—It’ll all be moot.”

I throw the towel at Kanji and walk back to the kotatsu to sit next to Ryoutarou. He rests his hand on my back and I shove down a bout of panic that this could all end prematurely.

When Kanji and Ted leave, Ryoutarou tells me we should take a bath. I feel a twinge of anxiety. _That’s something we haven’t done together since I was ‘taken into protective custody’._

_I look so different now—_

_He’ll definitely know something is wrong with me—With this situation._

Nanako doesn’t seem bothered and only briefly glances at us when Ryoutarou stands and starts to pull me to my feet. “Let’s go,” he prompts. “I want to get to bed.”

I stand and start to walk with him upstairs, when he pulls another request on me: “Let’s start moving your things back to our room.”

“I don’t think—” I try to no avail.

“Tonight,” he interrupts me. “I want to move your clothes at least. Give me some normalcy.” He says it with such an earnestness that I know I’ll do whatever he wants.

“Okay,” I quietly agree.

Ryoutarou rubs my hand and smiles kindly at me. We part ways to collect our pajamas—Or in my case, ‘sleeping tee shirt and sweats’.

By the time I’m in the bathroom, I’m all jittery. I have marks and scars from various fights and confrontations in prison. You can’t normally see most of them _. This is going to make me feel too vulnerable._

_I don’t know if I can trust him not to react negatively. He’ll ask questions and want to know what happened and—_

I stop my train of thought because Ryoutarou’s calling me over to shower. He’s already getting into the tub and waiting patiently for me to catch up to him.

Throwing caution to the wind, I strip and toss my dirty clothes into a pile. I pretend to be confident as I stride into the open space where the shower is. _Nothing is any different. Nothing. It’s as it always was. It’s..._

I’m clean in record time and slipping into the tub facing Ryoutarou. He slowly smiles at me as he relaxes in the steamy heat. I slot my legs between his and lean back, trying to forget all the time that’s passed, kind of like he has.

I catch Ryoutarou staring at an old gash on my chest and choose to ignore his curious gaze. He doesn’t ask and I don’t offer to explain. At one point he leans forward to prod at another scar on my knee. I don’t respond, simply maintain a flat, cool expression.

We get out one at a time—Him first. When he’s done drying off and has moved aside, I step out, overwhelmed at the fact that he’s right there, trying to dry me off.

“I can do it myself,” I weakly protest, but Ryoutarou snorts and continues to rub me down with the towel. “I can—”

“I want to,” he asserts, softly toweling my back. I don’t like that I can’t see what my back looks like. I can’t remember all the new marks.

I’m definitely dry, but he’s still going at it. At some point Ryoutarou actually pitched the towel to the floor—I can see it to my left—and started just massaging my shoulders.

“You’re really tight, Tohru,” he comments. “Relax a little...”

_Kind of hard right now._

“Why don’t we change?” I ask Ryoutarou.

“Let me do this for you,” he insists. “It’ll only be another minute... Or we can continue in the bedroom.”

_Yeah, right._

“What about my clothes?” I question, nerves building.

“We’ll do it in the morning. You’re off, right?”

“...Yes,” I reply, losing ground.

Ryoutarou slides his hands lower and squats down to kiss the middle of my back. His hands are on my hips and getting still lower. I feel dizzy from the heat and his touch. The air tastes like soap and everything feels too hot.

I reach my hand behind myself and pull him away from me by his hair. “We should change,” I firmly try again.

When I tip my head backwards, I can see that Ryoutarou has a forlorn expression on his face. He caresses me with his thumb one more time and sighs.

“Alright,” Ryoutarou whispers, standing up again. He wraps his arms around me for a hug and I let him press his body against mine.

_I could fucking—_

_Just let him. Let him do whatever the hell he wants to you,_ my brain pleads. _You know you’ll love it._

I break up those thoughts and pat his arm so he lets go. I walk back over to the sink, snatching up my clothes. I shove my pants and shirt on in a hurry while Ryoutarou more calmly dresses himself.

We end up moving my clothes back to the bedroom. _I say ‘back to’, but they were never really there on a permanent basis. I never lived here before; only stayed over as a guest._

When the drawers and closet are all loaded up, it’s time for bed. Ryoutarou lies down and holds up the covers, indicating that he wants me to cuddle up next to him. _This is almost as exhausting as pretending. It still doesn’t feel real enough for me to trust him._

I lay down there nonetheless, hoping for a peaceful night. _If I’m here, he can’t run around looking for me._

_He won’t have a reason to panic or fret. If he wakes up, he’ll happily go right back to sleep, holding onto me tightly._

I clench my teeth together, attempting not to get too emotional again. I bury my head in his chest and hiss out a few rough breaths while Ryoutarou strokes my hair.

“G’night, Tohru,” he says.

“G’night,” I mumble back, afraid to move. Too worried my voice will betray everything I’m trying so desperately to keep inside.


	8. Still Open

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are changing still. And Tohru has some old feelings open up.

Chapter Seven: Still Open

(Tohru)

In the morning, I can feel Ryoutarou moving around the futon, already up before me. I check my phone and see it’s _definitely_ too early. I set it back down and sigh.

“No, go back to sleep,” I tell Ryoutarou. “It’s the weekend.”

He nods slowly, comprehending that we don’t have work. I watch as he takes a deep breath and stretches, looking damn ready to get out of bed even though I could use a few more hours.

“I’m gonna make us some coffee,” Ryoutarou announces.

I nod lamely, not wanting to move. “Don’t leave the house without me.”

“What?” he sarcastically calls back. “Can’t bear for me to leave you alone?” Ryoutarou laughs his way down the hall while I bite back a nasty comment.

I roll over, taking up the extra space now that he’s gone. I know I’ll regret it, but I keep rolling until I’m laying in his spot, on his pillow. _It smells so much like him and it’s warm because he just got up._

_I could..._

The next thing I know, I’m woken up by Ryoutarou pulling me to him. I’m not quite awake, but I can tell what he wants. He’s lightly kissing the side of my face, trying to get me more alert. I burrow my head back into the pillow, so not ready to deal with this.

“Well I brought you coffee,” Ryoutarou’s playful voice tells me. “But now I’d rather...”

I rub my eyes, sliding away with the blankets. He laughs like I’m making it into a game and pulls me back to him.

I’m all arms and hands smushed into his chest, but Ryoutarou doesn’t care. He holds me steadily, trying to kiss me on the mouth.

And that’s when I decide that enough’s _enough_.

I’ve had enough. _There’s only so much of this I can take standing up._

I close my eyes and circle my arms around him, giving in. _What’s it really matter, in the big scheme of things? He’ll forget in a few hours anyways._

_I’d rather make him happy. Make him feel loved. I’d rather—_

I move my head, trying to get some air. It’s been such a long time since I’ve kissed anyone this intensely—or at all—and I feel like I need to _breathe_. Ryoutarou smiles at me and leans forward again, starting to shift us into a different position.

“You really...” I mumble, not wanting to finish the sentence aloud.

“Why were you all curled up on my side of the bed?” Ryoutarou grins. “I saw you take over where I was.”

I feel embarrassed that I was foolish enough to fall asleep there, and that he caught me. He seems to take it as a regular sort of bashfulness, more like I’m embarrassed that I like him so much. _And I’m so sick of having to correct him._

Sighing as I finally let myself hold Ryoutarou tightly, I think—

_I think this is it for me. Like, really the end of me protesting._

When he kisses me again, attention wandering to my neck, I let him be. I don’t scold Ryoutarou when I should tell him he dislikes me. Instead, I shiver when he licks my ear and I can feel his hot breath on the side of my head.

His stubble is scratchy and I grunt when it scrapes my cheek. “Nnf,” I push his head away. He’s smiling though, and I have to cautiously smile back.

_I’m not—_

I move this time, sliding my leg under his, and Ryoutarou rolls on top of me.

_I’m not doing anything wrong—_

_This is what—_

Ryoutarou starts to get more worked up and he shoves my shirt away so he can graze his fingers over my chest and sides. I groan, copying him, pulling his shirt up above his head.

_This is what he’s been wanting from me._

Soon we’re all tangled up in each other and completely naked. _If I’m going to say something, now’s the time._

I don’t, instead lifting my legs before he even asks. Ryoutarou smiles down at me blissfully, feeling around my body for the first time in years. _Does he even know how long it’s been?_

Everything seems to come naturally to him, the whole process. _And that answers my question: no. He does not remember._

I feel tears coming involuntarily when we’re actually doing it. Ryoutarou stops to wipe my eyes and that just makes it worse.

“What?” he whispers. “Did I do something—”

“Fuck _—No,_ ” I tell him, digging my nails into his back. “You didn’t do anything—”

_—DON’T do anything. Don’t let this end. I’d rather you stay like—_

_Shit I’m terrible!_

I manage to get ahold of myself after a minute and keep it together till the end. Then Ryoutarou rolls to the side, dragging me with him and I squeeze my eyes shut when he can’t see, letting the rest of my emotions leak out.

He buries his face in the back of my head and sighs. I reach around to stroke his rough cheek, feeling jittery that if he has some epiphany _now_ that I am so beyond screwed.

_But I’m fairly positive that isn’t going to happen. I don’t know what’ll do it, and I know that it’s necessary that we fix this, but right now all I can think are selfish thoughts._

“Tohru,” Ryoutarou murmurs. “I feel like I’m waking up from a nightmare.”

“That so?” I ask, knowing it’s just the opposite.

He holds me tighter and rubs my chest. “I had this feeling earlier, like I was losing you.”

 _You’ve got it backwards_ , is what pops into my head.

“That’s... Too bad,” is what I say.

“Don’t let me lose you,” he mumbles, into my hair.

I reach around to touch him again. _Yeah, this is real..._

Ryoutarou sighs contentedly. _My heart is going to crack._

We have to get up sometime, so I suggest we go take a shower. _Nanako will be sleeping for a few more hours. I can have this too, right? And it’ll be more normal than last night?_

I send Ryoutarou to fill the tub while I carry our clothes into the bathroom. We leisurely wash each other, taking our time today.

After I finish scrubbing his back, I lean forward and hug Ryoutarou. I wrap my arms around his neck and I think I’m gonna—

_Yeah. I’m crying again._

_I don’t know how long this will last—If he’ll let it happen again. If he’ll be too angry to even speak to me after he remembers why he hates me so much._

Ryoutarou covers my hands with his and tips his head to the side in confusion. “What’s wrong, Tohru?” he asks me. “That was nice.”

_Like you even remember five minutes prior._

_Give it another hour..._

He gets up and tells me to sit down so he can wash me and I feel squirmy. _Hasn’t done this in years._ I stay as still as I can while the cloth abrades whatever dirt clings to me and his hands systematically wipe a trail from shoulder to butt.

We get comfortable in the tub, me sitting on top of him and leaning my back against his chest. Ryoutarou runs his fingers through my wet hair and it feels really calming. I sink down in the hot water and his hands wander to my my chest.

He holds me securely, like he’s afraid to let go. _Do I scare him?_

_How does he see all of this? Does he really just think I’m being difficult and evasive?_

I tip my head back to look up at Ryoutarou. I see his smiling face upside-down from this angle. I try to ask any of the questions I was thinking but they won’t come out.

I bring my knees up to my chest and curl into a ball. He chuckles at that and wraps himself around me.

We soak for a while and then put on our clean clothes. Downstairs, there’s cold soup that I heat and we eat in a more relaxed silence than usual.

“What do you wanna do today?” I question while Ryoutarou brews us coffee.

“I can’t...” He shakes his head. “What do we usually do on weekends? Can’t remember.”

I bite my tongue. _We usually watch television and play cards and I play games while you read. Pretty much the same things we’ve always done, just further apart._

“Relax,” I reply. _It’s close enough to the truth._

“I think I’d like to go buy a paper,” he tells me as he pours out the steaming coffee. “Take a walk with me?”

“All right,” I agree. _Can’t be too bad._

After our food’s gone, we bundle up and start down the road for the konbini. Our gloved hands are clasped together and it feels natural again, finally.

We pick up the paper and I buy myself a candy bar for later. Ryoutarou pays and we carry the stuff back to the house.

Nanako is finally up a little while later. She glances at us on the couch, legs piled up in the middle and giggles slightly.

“I can _hear_ you,” I call over. I close the lid to my laptop and sigh. Ryoutarou gives me a small smile and nudges my leg.

“I’m going to the library today,” Nanako lets us know. “I have a study group.”

“Alright,” Ryoutarou replies. “You got a test coming up?”

I can see Nanako bite her lip. “It’s exam week, Dad. Check the date on your watch.”

He does that as Nanako finishes up her food. “I’ll be damned,” Ryoutarou mutters, stumped. “It’s already...”

I get on my knees and crawl over to him. “You feeling okay?” I question.

Nanako walks over, too. “Can you remember what day of the week it is?”

“Sunday,” he says in a clear voice.

“Do you know the month?” I try.

“Ah— _It’s_ —” he gazes at his watch again.

I cover it with my hand. “Did you know _before_ you looked?”

Ryoutarou’s eyes flick up to meet mine and he has this pleading expression on his face. “It’s all right,” I tell him. “Nothing is wrong...”

Nanako grips the back of my shirt and I can tell she’s getting upset too. _All of the tension is gonna spook him,_ I realize.

“Go on to your study group,” I gently tell Nanako. She tugs on my shirt imploringly and I turn around to face her. I give her a small, sad smile. “It’ll be fine.”

“Y-yeah,” Nanako agrees and sets off to get her things.

“You don’t check the date anymore?” I jokingly ask Ryoutarou. I keep my voice light, but he’s staring at me distrustfully. “You always used to. You should start again~”

“Are you hiding something, Tohru?” Ryoutarou interrogates me.

I shake my head. “No, I’ve told you everything.”

“You’ve told me lies,” he returns. “And half-truths. You’ve said things about me that I don’t think I would ever do.”

I turn on the screen to my cell phone. “See? It’s really the date. Already December.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” I assure him. “Do you know the year...?”

“ _Yes_ ,” he replies, sounding more indignant.

I hold up my hands. “All right, okay, sheesh!”

Ryoutarou raises one eyebrow questioningly. He grabs onto my wrist and tugs me close. “You’d always tell me the truth,” he says in a clear voice—Almost imploringly. _I don’t like that it doesn’t’ carry his usual certainty._

“Yeah,” I confirm. Ryoutarou leans closer to kiss me and I return it.

And then Nanako’s coming back down the stairs, so he releases me. I go back to my end of the couch and Ryoutarou plays along like everything is normal until she’s out the door.

“Something just doesn’t feel right,” he voices afterwards.

“Can you explain any better?” I ask. “In a way I can understand?”

Ryoutarou rubs his stubble as he thinks it over. “I’m fuzzy on the date, and lately it feels as if everyone is walking on eggshells around me. I don’t like it. Even you—You’ve been acting like I can’t handle anything on my own.”

“Well,” I groan. “I’ve been worried because your memory has been funny.”

“That why you’ve been feeding me those pills?” he questions.

“Yeah,” I tell him. “Thanks for being good about them today!”

Ryoutarou frowns. “What do you mean?” he questions and I realize I’ve stepped on a landmine.

“You, uh—” I cough. “Didn’t wanna take them before. You were really stubborn about it...”

“Why?” he slips back into super-question-y mode.

I sigh and rub his feet. “You know,” I try. “You didn’t believe us.”

“Can I,” he begins with a concerned expression. “Can I go back to work tomorrow? I don’t like all this sitting around.”

“You think you can handle it?” I stupidly ask and he tightens his gaze. I roll my eyes. “Yeah, why don’t you give it a shot?”

Ryoutarou nods. “Good. Let’s get back to normal.” With that, he picks his novel back up and begins to read again.

 _Can things really go back to normal like THIS? Can this be our normal?_ I wiggle my toes against Ryoutarou’s leg and he absently pats me, happy that I’m simply here.

We spend the whole day just chilling. We watch television and play cards to pass the time. I cook lunch and then Nanako is back for dinner.

She cooks this time, while Ryoutarou and I play a game of Slap Jack. We’re both laughing at the dumb game and really going at slapping the shit out of each other.

“Food’s ready,” Nanako calls over.

Ryoutarou drops a pair and I rush to grab the cards first. He grins and snatches my hand. He smirks as he leans forward to kiss my hand. I feel my eyes widen at the audacity and quickly yank my hand away.

He laughs at me, long and loud. I mutter to myself as I collect the cards to put them away.

“He’s going to go in to work tomorrow,” I tell Nanako after she sets down the food. “I’ll be at Daidara’s and then Kanji’s, so I’ll be around if anything... You know.”

“If you two think it’s a good idea,” Nanako agrees. “I have two days of exams left, and then it’s my break.”

“Right,” I reply. _Then she can hang out with him if anything’s wrong..._

_And why does that irritate me? I should be happy that she’s gonna help._

Instead I stew as we eat out food. My feet are touching Ryoutarou’s under the kotatsu and my need to stay with him is really kicking in, which is ridiculous.

_I need to chill. The idea here is that everything goes back to normal—That’s what we want. And him spending more time with Nanako would make things easier for me. I could work without having to worry, and they could bond and stuff._

I shovel my food into my mouth, trying not to think about my weird feelings. _It can’t be just him and I forever, am I an idiot?_

 _This is why I can’t have nice things, like love. I get too worked up and excited and need everything to revolve around me._ I grip my chopsticks and try to hide the frown I know is forming on my face.

_This is what always happens with me... I can’t leave well enough alone. I can’t just let things be._

I don’t snap out of it until Nanako and I finish cleaning up from dinner. She’s almost as tall as me now, and ducks down to catch the black look I’m shooting at the floor.

“Tohru?” she questions when she’s done passing me dishes. “You’ve been acting funny for a while now. Can I help?”

“No, uh,” I stall. _I don’t really have an answer for that._

“Are you sure?” she asks me.

 _I’m sure that I want Ryoutarou all to myself,_ I think as I twist the dishtowel in my hands. _I want him to rely on me, like he has been. Just me._

_—This is unhealthy._

I meet Nanako’s eyes for a second and then avert my gaze. “Y-yeah,” I lie. “I’ll be fine.”

_This is where I go wrong._

_This is how I’ll hurt him, like last time._

I hang the towel and go sit back at the kotatsu. Ryoutarou’s got a mug of coffee and is watching some snow drift down outside. I sit next to him and stick my legs under the heated quilt.

The TV is playing mindlessly in the background, but all I can think about is how I’m going to ruin this. Now that I’ve realized I’m going to, it’s only a matter of time. I can’t keep myself in check forever.

I rest my head on my hand, trying to get ahold of myself. _What’s the worst that can happen?_

_If I let these bitter feelings fester, I could hurt somebody. But on the other hand—If I tell someone, they’ll want me to get away from here. They won’t trust me anymore._

Ryoutarou stands and walks away and I’m left debating what to do. _I think I should just wait and see how I feel once Nanako’s on break. Deal with it when I know if it’s actually a problem._

My mug plunks down under my face and I look up to see Ryoutarou sitting back down. “Thirsty?” he asks me.

“Thanks,” I reply, blowing on it to cool it off. _Too hot—I can’t touch it like this._

We sit quietly and watch the snow fall, not really building up. Ryoutarou rests his hand on my leg and obliviously rubs my knee. _He has no idea what goes on in my head._

_They all think I’ve changed, but I’m still the same messed-up, worthless, obsessed—_

“Tohru let’s go upstairs, if you’re done,” Ryoutarou breaks into my thoughts.

We change venue, but still keep to ourselves. I work on the websites I’m running while Ryoutarou reads a book. I don’t dare say anything, afraid to ruin this piece of happiness I have.

He’s also content in the silence for a time. When I get up to use the bathroom, he smiles at me. And when I come back, he starts up an uncomfortable conversation.

“This morning,” Ryoutarou muses. “Best morning in a long time—Just felt right,” he says, crossing his ankles as he continues to read from the novel in his hands.

“Wh-what?” I ask. “What about it?” I swallow too loudly.

Ryoutarou cranes his neck so he can see me. “Geez, you’re gonna make me say it?”

_…??_

_That stuck? Out of everything this past week, THAT’S one of the very few things that stuck?!_

“You mean,” I clear my throat.

“Shit Tohru,” Ryoutarou snorts and leans over to ruffle my hair like he used to. “What’s wrong with you?”

“Y-yeah,” is all I manage before I pull away. _Because I know that things are sticking again. If his memory comes back now, I’m really in for it._

Ryoutarou goes back to reading until it gets too late for him. He starts to nod off; I can see his eyes drooping, so he stretches out and sets his book aside.

“Sleep with me,” Ryoutarou orders, turning my way. He grabs my hand and pulls me closer. I shut the lid to my laptop and roll my eyes.

“Well this is more forward than you’ve been before,” I snort, letting myself get pulled along. He doesn’t answer.

Instead, he stands and walks over to close the bedroom door. It makes me feel antsy. _Leaving it open made me feel like I had an out, somewhere I could run off to if this got to be too much._

“Like you used to,” Ryoutarou suddenly demands, taking off his shirt.

“This is like I used to—”

“Take your clothes off. You sleep naked,” he insists.

I sigh. “Not anymore, I don’t. I haven’t done that in a long time.”

“You don’t trust me?” he challenges, sitting down next to me and grabbing his knees.

“You know that’s not it,” I return.

“Do you trust me?” he slowly repeats, waiting for me to give in.

I do, of course. I ditch my long-sleeves shirt and my sweatpants and fold them next to the bed. Then I curl up under the covers.

I reach for the light, but Ryoutarou stops me. He moves closer and takes the blanket off of me. “What’re you doing?” I complain.

He just looks at me, like he’s checking that I’m still there. It’s disconcerting.

I’m about to roll over and away from this weirdness, but then Ryoutarou touches a place just below my shoulder that I know has a nasty scar. “How did this happen?”

I look away so I don’t have to see his face. “Someone tried to knife me,” I admit, drawing my fist across the area. “They sharpened a spoon.”

The next thing I know, he’s got his face right up in there, examining the old wound. He kisses it, like you would do to a child.

“Cut it out!” I admonish more strongly than I mean. _I don’t know what you want from me!_

He doesn’t stop, just moves on to examine my arm. _I don’t understand this. It’s different than before._

_Stuff is clearly sticking, yet you still want me._

“What about...?” Ryoutarou trails off, tracing a scarred-over, puckered welt on my forearm.

“Guard,” I tell him. Just that one word and he’s softening, still. He runs his fingers over it a few more times and moves on again, asking more questions about more injuries I don’t want him to see.

And he’s being so intimate about it that it’s driving me nuts. This isn’t like earlier—It’s not as easy as sex, but something that makes me feel more exposed—Stirring in me a stupid feeling that I don’t hope for anymore.

I guardedly wait for him to quit it, but he just keeps going. _Is this what you really wanted all along? To take me in your arms when I came..._

_When I came home...?_

“Tohru—“ Ryoutarou presses his hand to my face. “You’re crying,” he tells me.

“This isn’t fair,” I lamely return. “Why do you get to do this _now_?” I can tell my voice isn’t coming out right. I mean for it to be strong and stolid, not that pathetic whine.

Ryoutarou runs a hand through his hair like he does when he’s thinking. “Don’t know,” he answers honestly. “Why _didn’t_ I—“

“Because you’re not seeing the real me _now_ ,” I tell him. “You’re obstinately sticking to whatever image you had of me before.”

Ryoutarou smiles miserably. _He has to know it’s true._

“No, I—“ he starts, shaking his head with that wry look still on his face.

I curl in on myself, hiding the rest of both my metaphorical and very real scars. “You can’t honestly tell me that a murderer doesn’t repulse you.”

“You’re not ‘a murderer’ to me,” Ryoutarou argues. “You’re _Tohru_. You’ll always be Tohru.”

“All the pieces make me who I am, and one of those pieces is someone who killed people,” I rebut, gathering steam. I clutch my head, frustrated. “What do I have to do to get through to you— _I’m not the person you remember!_ ”

Clenching my teeth I go on—

“ _Stop trying to make me into the persona I gave you!_ ” My nails bite into my scalp as I try to stop it all from pouring out—

“ _It was all fake!!_ ” I shout, starting to lose it.

I can feel everything crumbling, the rot inside spreading, seeping through to what was left of our relationship.

“ _Don’t you get it? I was lying to you the whole time_ —“

Don’t—

“I didn’t get what I wanted so I tricked everyone!”

 _Stop_ —

“So that makes it all a farce!!”

_—Take it back! I don’t want to say this. I want to continue living in this dream I was handed—_

“It was—” is all I can get out before I feel Ryoutarou strike my side with an open palm. It stings, resting between us for a fraction of a second before he’s yelling.

“ _Shut up!!_ ” he hollers. “ _Stop it—Shut up!_ ”

Ryoutarou pries my hands from my head and drags me so I have to look at him. “Stop it,” he says with less force, his voice cracking. “Don’t _do_ that— _Don’t_ —“ he cries. “Why—“

And I realize he’s shaking pretty badly. My own arms are jolting from the spasms as he silently sobs.

“Why are you doing this?” he finally manages to ask in a hoarse voice.

I have to swallow a nasty expression before I can reply. “It’s what you need. If you can hold onto things now, I need to tear myself down to how you saw me before this. It’s the only way to—”

“To _what_?” Ryoutarou demands. “To make things fair? To even the field? _No!_ ” He grabs my shoulders and he’s squeezing kind of hard. “That’s not what I want.”

I brace my hands against his arms, trying to gently move him. “It’s how it has to be!” _I have too many confusing feelings and needs and it’s easier if this just ends prematurely._

Ryoutarou harrumphs and leans on me, pushing me down. _Like he thinks that he can strong-arm me into shutting up. Some things don’t change._

I smile sardonically, letting him shove me around. _I don’t care. He wants to do the exact opposite of hurt me, it’s ridiculous._

“Does what I want even matter?” Ryoutarou breathes. “Does it figure into your little plan at all?”

“You can’t change what happened by pretending it didn’t!!” I blurt.

Ryoutarou’s eyes flash as that statement sinks in. His grip automatically slackens and I push him off of me.

“That’s what this looks like,” I mutter.

He opens and closes his mouth a few times, at a loss for words. I grab my clothes to try and salvage some of my dignity and retreat to my own room.

But when I get up, Ryoutarou grabs my arm. “Fine.” He doesn’t look at me, only lays down, pulling me with him. “I don’t care what it looks like—I don’t care what it _is_. If that’s what happened, then maybe it’s what I need.”

“You need to face everything,” I reply, laying with my back pressed against his.

“What if I do and still want you?”

“Then we’ll go from there.”

“Stop keeping me in the dark,” Ryoutarou pleads.

“Then stop trying to be left in the dark,” I rejoinder.

He’s quiet for a minute. “It’s dark in here.”

“Yeah?”

_And?_

Ryoutarou links his arm through mine. “Don’t leave me.”

“I haven’t—” I lose my voice partway through.

What I want to ask is that he’ll promise the same this time. Instead, I roll over and hold him. He should be able to figure the rest out for himself.

“I’m putting my clothes back on,” I finally tell him. There’s no reply. He’s fallen asleep after hearing what he wanted to hear.

And I’m stuck with the nagging feeling that maybe I’m making things worse—For the both of us.


	9. Wounds Remembered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryoutarou is starting to remember. Tohru agrees to get help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it’s totally cliché to have someone gripping their head as they remember, but it’s what we’re going with.
> 
> I haven't been able to write all month, so that's what's been keeping me, if you're wondering. Just a bit of a slump. I really hope you enjoy this chapter!!

Chapter Eight: Wounds Remembered

(Tohru)

I don’t sleep all night. Ryoutarou does—He snores loudly enough that I know he’s going to be totally fine.

_So he wants to go back to work, huh?_

_That’ll be good for him. Maybe it’ll jog something loose._

_And if not, I’ll be there to help him along like I have been. Both suit me just fine—_

_Which is a problem. I need to decide what I want; what I’m going to do about all of this. I need to have a clear position, not just get swept along._

Ryoutarou got up to use the bathroom a few minutes ago, so I lie alone in the dark. _I need to make sure I can handle whatever happens._

I hear the door slide open. “Are you awake?” Ryoutarou asks.

“Sort of,” I mumble.

I hear his feet thump as he walks to his side of the bed. He gets back down on the floor and pulls me close.

He leans in and starts kissing me right away, before I can complain. I wasn’t expecting that, but it’s nice so I don’t bother telling him to stop.

But then he’s rolling me onto my stomach and pushing up my shirt. “Hey,” I call over. “Let’s not—”

_I need to sort everything out and this isn’t going to help. It’s going to add another level of complexity to my weird feelings._

Ryoutarou trails kisses down my back, and then he’s pulling down my pants, going further. I’m shocked when he actually licks my entrance a few times before inserting a finger.

_That’s bold._

“How far do you think we’re—” is all I get put before my voice cuts off with a groan. I cover my mouth, embarrassed.

He rests his head on the small of my back, planting more kisses and intermittently sucking on my skin. _Shit. Really upping the ante here._

With both of those areas being stimulated, it feels like my whole lower body is on fire. “Ryoutarou,” I say, trying to sound more stern—Like I actually want him to stop.

“What?” he breathes against me. “You don’t like it?”

 _You know damn well that’s not the issue here._ My body bucks as he curls his finger, trying to outdo himself.

“That’s not,” I sigh. “You know I told you that you don’t like me like this.”

“You think I’m going to regret it?” he asks in a low voice, biting down a little.

“Mmn—” rips from my throat instead of words.

Ryoutarou adds another finger and I squirm uncomfortably. “Why would I regret making love to the person I want to be with?”

“Don’t act like we haven’t been over this,” I weakly protest.

He kisses me again before removing his fingers. “Turn over,” he says, voice thick. “So I can see you.”

“Because this is such a great idea,” I mutter.

“One of my better ideas, if I do say so myself,” Ryoutarou flashes me a grin as I roll over.

_He looks so serious about this. And he knows—I’ve told him the truth. Why am I still trying to convince him that he doesn’t like me?_

_Am I an idiot?_

Ryoutarou kneels and grabs my hips. He slides me so I’m seated at an angle to him. “I love you, nothing’s going to change that,” he says as he works himself inside.

I don’t bother holding myself back and come first. He’s over the edge right behind me, and the whole thing doesn’t take very long.

It’s different than it used to be. We’re not awkward about the way our bodies fit together. And this kind of sex is no longer foreign to us. It’s... _Nice_.

I flip back to my stomach and crawl for the extremely sweetened coffee Ryoutarou’s brought me. _Need something to wake myself up, get more alert after all that. I feel too relaxed._

Ryoutarou gets up and leaves for a minute, and when he returns he wipes me down. “Thanks,” I say into the mug.

“Yeah,” he replies. “Didn’t I used to...?”

“Yeah,” I agree. “You’d always do that for me.”

He sits next to me and has his own coffee. We let this whole weird mess weigh on the atmosphere.

 _I want this_ , is all I can think. _This is what I wanted all along. I want my life to be like this again._

“If I get my memories back,” Ryoutarou begins. I groan. “Stop it,” he admonishes. “Make sure I don’t change my mind about you. I want us to stay like this.”

_Me too._

“You know that’s not up to me,” I reply.

Ryoutarou leans over to kiss my head and then sips his own mug of coffee. I smile at him, watching while he hangs around, enjoying the silence. _He seems more easygoing than he used to be. I don’t know if it’s that he can’t remember his worries or what, but I wish he were like this more often._

When the coffee’s gone, we get up and shower off. We’ve both got work today, so we have to keep on a schedule.

Dressed and downstairs, I pull out breakfast while Ryoutarou skims through the files in his bag. Nanako joins us and we’re all eating together like normal—Except that I feel closer to Ryoutarou than I have these past few months.

 _Well, closer than I have in years, really._ I glance over at him and he smiles kindly, looking up from a stack of papers.

_I love him—_

Ryoutarou looks back down, trying to concentrate, but all I can think is how much I want things to stay like this. _I’d do anything._

Then it’s time to leave and Nanako’s heading out the door while Ryoutarou and I are packing it in to make for the car. We drive in silence.

I’m dropped off at Daidara’s and Ryoutarou leaves, seeming to be in good shape. I take in a deep breath, knowing it’s a short distance to the police station and that he seems to be doing better.

“Mornin’, slacker,” old man Daidara greets me. “Did you get everything running?”

“I did,” I assure him. I follow the man into his house and set up my laptop at the kitchen table. “Wanna see?”

“Mm,” he grunts in approval. Daidara busies himself making us tea while I click through the pages. “Looks good.”

“It better,” I nod. “I’ve been working on it a lot~”

Daidara snorts and passes me a yunomi. “Have you?” he snidely questions. “I heard you missed work the other day.”

I drum my fingers on the surface of the table, irritated. “I couldn’t get Ryoutarou moving.”

“Oh?” he prods. Daidara sits across from me, waiting for me to go on.

_I don’t have to answer to him!_

“That’s all it was? Why wouldn’t he cooperate?” Daidara innocently questions.

_Innocent my ass. He knows._

_Daidara always knows—Everything._

“What do you want me to say?” I return.

“That you’re going to do things right this time,” Daidara scolds me. “That you’re pushing him to go out and be with his friends. He needs more than just you.”

I flinch back at his words. “Like you’d know!” I spit at him.

Daidara just raises his eyebrows and stares me down. _He’s a very unnerving man._

“Look Tohru,” Daidara sighs. “What’s the problem?”

_I’m feeling guilty. I’m feeling jealous. I’m feeling feelings._

“There isn’t one,” I brush him off, pushing my hair out of my face. “Everything is fine. He went back to work today and it’s _going_ to be fine.” I exhale loudly and Daidara just keeps staring, not having it.

“I’m here when you need me,” Daidara tells me, then drops the subject. “Let’s take more photos today.”

“Right,” I agree. We head into the shop and do that.

I take about fifty pictures, even getting a few action shots of Daidara demonstrating how the weapons work. _I love watching him wield a katana. Even though he’s so old and looks like a rough guy, he moves so fluidly—So quickly._

I upload everything good, and we track sales. I show Daidara how to print shipping labels at home, and then we eat lunch.

“Should you check up on him?” the man asks me as we sit down at his table again.

“And say what, ‘You remember everyone at work?’” I sarcastically jab.

Daidara rolls his eyes and eats another bite of his sandwich. “Just say, ‘Hi. How’s work? How are you feeling?’”

“He wouldn’t want that,” I dismiss the suggestion.

“You sure?” Daidara replies.

I sigh and bang the table. “No! I’m not sure of anything, anymore! That’s the problem!!”

“Then do what I say, boy!” Daidara reprimands. “He’s been so vulnerable. Build him up and be supportive. Be the opposite of what your instinct tells you—Because we both know it’s usually wrong.”

I scowl across the table while Daidara simply looks self-satisfied. He coughs and thumps himself on the chest. “You know I’m right.”

Throwing down my sandwich, I stand and pull out my cell phone. I purposely walk into the living room before I even dial Ryoutarou’s number.

“Tohru!” comes through the line almost immediately.

I have to stifle a laugh before I reply: “Hey Ryoutarou.”

“To what do I owe this honor?” he chuckles, I guess knowing that wasn’t the response I was expecting.

“You know,” I try to play it off. _My face feels hot! I don’t even have anything to say.._.

“Just making sure your day is going well.” I bring my thumb to my mouth and bite at the nail. I tug until the strip of dead skin separate and I can yank a piece free.

“It is,” he replies, and I can feel his smile. I cam imagine him shuffling papers across his desktop as he chats with me for a few minutes. “They wanna send me home early, but I told everyone I’m fine.”

There’s a pause where I can hear Chie yelling something in her shrieky-nasally voice. Ryoutarou sighs. “I might show up for you a little early,” he too-sweetly tells me. “You’re going to Kanji’s soon?”

“Yes,” I confirm.

“Bundle up,” Ryoutarou warns me. Then, quieter—“Miss you.”

I swear my heart shudders and stops for a minute. _He actually ‘misses’ me? We’ve only been apart for a few hours._

I feel my chest swelling, my head swelling, and I know I’m grinning. _Even if he’s back out there, he still chooses me?_

“I’ve got to go, Tohru,” Ryoutarou interrupts my thoughts. “They’re going on patrol without me. _Wait_ —” he commands. Probably the other two stop dead in their tracks. “Bye.”

I hang up after saying goodbye as well.

 _You know... He’s lost a little of his hard edge, through all of this._ I bite at a finger next, worried that’s also my fault. _I’ve always liked his totally-in-charge aura._

I slide my phone back into my pocket and catch damn Daidara staring at me from the other room. He grins and waves, like he’s totally not being an asshole, looking in on me.

“I have to get to Kanji’s,” I tell him when I walk back into the kitchen.

“Thought so,” he replies. “You want this?” The man holds up a bag of chips that I like, that I’m now realizing he clearly bought for me and I frown. Daidara laughs and tosses it to me. “Try to keep yourself in check.”

“I am,” I grunt, shoving the chips in my backpack.

Daidara sighs and looks me over. “If you need _help_ , ask for it. If you need professional help, _get it_. _”_

I scowl at my bag as I zip it up. _Like he knows anything—_

“Tohru,” Daidara exhales as he walks over to me. “Don’t throw those people into turmoil again. Work yourself out. I’m here if you need me.”

I nod without looking up at him. _Don’t want Daidara thinking he’s making me upset. Don’t want him thinking he has any sort of hold over me._

Picking up my bag, I glance at him only once more. “G’bye,” I tell him before heading out.

“You can do this,” I swear I hear him say from behind me. When I go out the back, I hear the lock click a moment later.

_Damn he’s silent... Almost gives me the creeps how he’s so agile at his age._

I skirt some ice on my way to Kanji’s. _It’s getting more and more hazardous outside._ _I hope Ryoutarou’s okay to drive still._

_—I need to let it go. He’s okay now. I’m the only one struggling and I need to squash it down so we can get on with our lives the way we were meant to._

“Hi Tohru!!” Teddie greets me when I walk through the door.

“Teddie,” I nod, kicking the dirt off my shoes. I take them off and set them aside. “I don’t think I’ll be able to stay long—Ryoutarou’s getting out of work early.”

“Then get workin’,” Kanji interjects. He points to pile of projects I’ve started but have yet to finish.

I groan and sit in the corner with another sweater. “Yes, master,” I quip as I pick up the knitting needles. Kanji rolls his eyes.

I knit while Teddie weaves and Kanji straightens up. _The three of us make a weird team. I never, NEVER thought I would be partnered up with the two of them—I never thought they’d be paired up with each other!_

Teddie goes on and on about some television show he’s been into while Kanji intermittently gives sufficient answers that keep the bear quiet. I’m lost in my own thoughts. Stuff about Ryoutarou messing up at work or Chie telling him truths—worse than lies—about me.

It doesn’t seem like I had much to worry about though. Ryoutarou shows up maybe two hours later, looking ecstatic to be here.

“Hi,” he greets everyone.

Teddie dances over and hugs the man while I pretend to gag. Kanji kicks my side when he walks by, not happy I’m picking on his little friend. I laugh and smack him back.

Ryoutarou walks over and kneels down in front of me without taking his jacket off. “What is it this time?” he questions.

“I’m in sweater hell for the foreseeable future,” I inform him. “Kanji thinks they sell well.”

“As long as no one asks who made them,” Kanji snickers.

“This one sold well,” Ryoutarou reminds him, unzipping his jacket. “And I _know_ who made it.”

My heart jumps into my throat and I completely miss a stitch. “Kanji—” I call. “Fix this.” I hand him the mess I’ve now made and he sighs, shaking his head at me.

Ryoutarou pats my arm and leans forward to kiss my forehead. Teddie giggles.

“Blegh,” Kanji responds, handing me back my sweater. “Finish this before you go.”

“How much is left?” Ryoutarou asks.

“Half hour?” I reply, looking my work over.

Ryoutarou purses his lips as he thinks. “Is there somewhere I can spread out?”

“You two can just go into the living room,” Kanji tells us. “Ma is in there, but she won’t mind.”

After he grabs his bag from the car, Ryoutarou holds out his hand to me. “Let’s go,” he says as he pulls me up.

I’ve never seen Ryoutarou work on the floor. Never in my life did I expect to see him with his papers all spread out between a coffee table and a wooden floor, but here he is, sitting cross-legged and working diligently.

I’m so shocked that he’s able to relax like this that it takes me almost twice as long as it should have to finish the stupid sweater. I end up watching Ryoutarou work, slowly filling in forms and organizing files. He even tosses his tie over his shoulder so it doesn’t get in the way.

_He’s really..._

_His demeanor is just..._

_Different._

“Sorry this took so long,” I apologize when I’m ready to hand everything back to Kanji.

“It’s not a bother,” Ryoutarou tells me as he marks off a few boxes before packing it in. “I was able to work, you got your thing done. What’s is matter?” he smiles at me. “I want to spend at much time with you as I can.”

_That’s not anything he would’ve said to me before. What’s changed so much?_

_Did I—_

_Did I break him? Like, break his brain?_

I swallow down my worries and help Ryoutarou pack up. We say our goodbyes and drive home, him still in a good mood while I start to worry more and more.

_He’s changed so much, and so quickly. This probably isn’t good._

Ryoutarou pulls out a cigarette while he’s driving so I reflexively take out the lighter I’ve still been carrying around for all these years. He holds the cigarette out so I’ll make it catch and then starts puffing away.

Over the years I’ve stopped minding the smell of smoke so much. He loves the damn things, even though they’ll probably do him in.

“Lighter...” Ryoutarou absently states.

“What about it?” I ask, flicking it open and closed. I start to automatically spin it through my fingers and swipe it on and off.

Ryoutarou sighs out a big cloud of smoke and I roll down my window. _Just because I’ve learned to live with it doesn’t mean I necessarily like it._

“It’s—” He stops short and groans. Ryoutarou reaches for his forehead and the car swerves slightly.

“Woah—” I yelp, grabbing onto the wheel. “Slow down, hit the brakes!” I order. Ryoutarou does and then pulls over to the side of the road. “Trade,” I command and Ryoutarou looks at me like I’ve slapped him.

He shakes his head. “Why would we—”

“You don’t look so good,” I comment, reaching for his forehead myself. _No fever._ _He looks a little ill._

“You can’t—” Ryoutarou grumbles, confused. “You can’t drive, can you?”

 _I‘m not supposed to drive, but if it’s die or get in legal trouble, I know what I’m picking._ “I’m not supposed to, no,” I admit. “You remember that?”

“Why can’t you drive?”

I sit very still for a minute, panicking. “Prison,” I finally spit out. “Remember what we talked about? How I went to prison?”

He nods uncertainly. “You did.”

“I did, yeah,” I cautiously reply. _Does he remember or not?_

“You can’t get a license for a time after prison,” Ryoutarou reasons with himself.

I nod. “Do you know how long I’ve been out?”

He looks unsure, opening and closing his mouth a few times. “Few months,” he finally settles on the right number.

“Bingo,” I agree. “You wanna let me drive?”

“My head hurts,” Ryoutarou groans, massaging his forehead.

_I bet. Is something coming back to the surface?_

I push Ryoutarou’s hands from the wheel and he reaches for the door. “Do you remember why I was in jail?” I question.

As we switch sides and he glances at me distrustfully for the first time in over a week. _I know that look. It’s how he’d look at me before he forgot._

“You...” Ryoutarou gives me a pained look when we get back into the vehicle. “You killed them. The two women.”

“...Yeah,” I eventually reply. “I did.”

Ryoutarou stares at me almost distrustfully, a quizzical glint in his eyes. When he doesn’t say anything, I start the car and take us home.

Once he walks through the door, it’s like magic. His mood shifts as he brews a pot of coffee for the two of us. He starts talking about how his day went and what he did.

I listen carefully, panicking that this may be the last conversation we have that goes so well. _He’s remembering,_ is all I can think. _He’s going to remember all of his feelings any second now and then he’s going to yell at me and maybe even send me away._

I grip the mug he’s given me— _My_ mug.

 _He’s kept it after all this time._ _Even though things weren’t the same, I still had a place here. But I can’t go back to that place now. Not after all—_

“Tohru, are you listening to me?” Ryoutarou demands. He’s tapping his fingers on the tabletop and sighing. “I just asked you a question.”

“W-what?” I reply, anxious as all hell.

“How long have you been knitting for?” he gestures to the damn scarf I’d started working on out of habit at this point.

“Wah?” I intone. “Since I came back, I guess.” Ryoutarou nods for me to go on. “I get to keep all the profits from stuff I make myself, just gotta pay Kanji back for the yarn and stuff, so it’s a good deal...”

Ryoutarou nods and lifts the finished end of the piece for inspection. He rubs the scarf between his fingers, commenting. “It’s so thin,” Ryoutarou sighs. “How can you work with such small yarn?”

I smirk. _Kanji was surprised, too._ “It’s pretty easy, once you get the hang of it,” I let him know. “I think Kanji only has a hard time because his hands are to damn big.”

Ryoutarou looks down at his own hands. “Would I have a hard time?”

 _Why do you wanna knit??_ I can’t help laughing at the image. I cover my mouth, trying not to be rude. “Maybe,” I say. “It would really test your patience.”

“I have plenty of patience,” Ryoutarou quips, already done with being picked on.

“Sure,” I placate him. I start to knit faster, just to show off.

The other man watches me intensely. _If this stopped, I’d miss it._

 _I’d miss him more than I missed him the first time._ I loop the skinny yarn around the needles and bang out a few more rows before I set it down.

“How are you feeling?” I question.

Ryoutarou raps his knuckles on the table as he thinks. “Hnn.” He exhales and shakes his head. “I feel fine, why?”

“How do you feel about _me_?” I ask this time.

He breaks out in a grin and leans over to me. “I love you.” Ryoutarou rests his hand on my leg and kisses me tenderly.

_Did I really just think that word? This is going too far—I’m not gonna be able to handle going back my other position in this family._

_I need this one_ , I think as I toss my knitting onto the table. I grab Ryoutarou’s shoulder and lean on him, fisting the fabric in my hand, unsure if I want to push or pull.

He seems to take the hint and places a hand on my back. I feel him pull me along, tipping us both towards him. I’m still yanking on his shirt, unsure what I’m doing—What I _want_.

I just know that’s it—I _want_.

_I want everything._

We’re still kissing, mouths sliding together and licking and nipping at each other. But now we’re on the floor, rolling around and playing with each other. Ryoutarou’s smiling like it’s some kind of game, figuring out who’s going to end up on top.

And he’s so energetic, more than I’ve seen in a while. He laughs when I bite his ear, roughly rubs the back of my head and moans when I keep going lower to his neck.

_We used to have so much fun like this. As an adult, you don’t have someone to roughhouse with so much anymore, that sometimes this really is almost like a game. Who can get who; who can make the other one want it more._

Now his hands are on my bare back and he’s rubbing my shoulders. My shirt’s practically off, just bunched up around my underarms. I’m touching outside of his clothes, still, but he’s writhing on the floor, trying to get his shirt up, too.

Ryoutarou finally grabs my hands in his and pulls them above his head. We’re both breathing heavily as we rest for a minute.

Then he changes the game on me, wrapping his legs around me and smushing us tightly together. “ _Tohru,_ ” he says my name with as much need as I’m feeling.

I’m pulled taut, he’s stretching me out as far as my body will go. A moan escapes me as Ryoutarou grinds us together even more. I’m trying to move too, but it’s hard like this. He finally gets the message and lets my torso go so I can move more.

“You want it too?” Ryoutarou pants.

“ _Yes_ ,” I honestly reply, starting to sweat. It doesn’t take us long when we’re both working together, and soon we’re both lying there all a mess.

I’m still on top of Ryoutarou. He’s a good amount bigger than me and doesn’t care. I plant my hands on the floor and move to kiss him.

When I’m hovering over his face though, Ryoutarou’s eyes change and he yanks me away by the back of my shirt.

“Gghk!!” I choke.

“Tohru!” Ryoutarou yells as he sits up. He drops me and I fall back to the floor.

“Yeah?” I shakily ask him. “Wh-what was that?”

Ryoutarou’s face is all pinched up as he regards me warily. “I—I _just_ —” he stumbles over his words, seeming shaken. “You were—” he tries again, but fails to get the message across.

He looks visibly afraid of me for a minute as we sit there in silence, just staring at each other. Ryoutarou doesn’t move away, but he stares at my hands the whole time, as if I would hurt him if given the chance.

“What?” I finally ask him. “What is—” I reach out slowly to pull him towards me and he slaps my hand away.

“ _Don’t touch me—_ ” he clearly voices, his face cycling through different emotions as he looks shocked he’d even say such a thing.

I pull back and fold my hands in my lap, trying to stay still enough that I don’t spook him again. “Hey,” I say in a softer voice, worried that he’s not calming down. “Ryoutarou...”

“Wh—What?” he spits the words out.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t be close to you,” he says, shutting himself off to me. “Don’t—Don’t try and touch me again.”

Ryoutarou narrows his eyes and continues to gaze at me distrustfully. _Did he remember something?_

_What else could explain this?_

“Why?” I try.

“I just can’t!” he huffs. “You—” he frowns. “ _You know why_.”

Ryoutarou scoots closer to the table, not fully turning away from me still, and I start to stand before remembering the mess in my pants. I groan and point.

Ryoutarou scowls, as if just remembering. “We need to change,” he mutters, pushing away from the table.

I sigh and start up the stairs. He follows behind me, still not wanting to let me out of his sight. _He wasn’t even this watchful when I first came home..._

I walk into his room ahead of him, and Ryoutarou stands by the door, arms folded. He watches me while I clean up and change. It’s disconcerting that he’s swung so far from where he has been lately.

“Your turn,” I tell him when I’m done.

“Stay there,” he points to where he was standing before. I sigh and nod.

Ryoutarou clumsily steps out of his wet pants and wipes down before rooting around for something clean. He slips on boxers and sweats, apparently deciding he’s not going back out for the evening.

“Walk,” he dispassionately tells me when he meets me back at the door. I turn around and even feel Ryoutarou give me a small shove when I don’t move fast enough.

I whirl around, done with this. “What?!” I demand.

His eyes widen and Ryoutarou takes a step backwards. “Hnn?”

“What did I do?” I demand. “What happened down there?” I step forward again and this time he doesn’t back up, just defiantly locks eyes with me.

“You—” Ryoutarou huffs. “ _You—_ ”

_You don’t know? Is that it?_

“Just a feeling?” I blurt, moving my hand to his shoulder. He tracks my movements with his eyes but doesn’t pull away, just flinches slightly when we make contact.

“Yeah,” Ryoutarou gruffly replies. “A _bad_ feeling...”

“Will it pass?”

“Probably. I don’t know where it came from,” he agrees, at least reaching out to cover my hand with his.

 _I do_ , I think.

It’s _all_ I can think.

_Because of everything I’ve done. Because of what I could do. Because of how I can turn everything on its head again by being me._

“Let’s get back downstairs,” I tell Ryoutarou. He softens and lets me take his hand to walk back to the living room.

A little while later Nanako comes through the door and greets us. She’s got food for dinner and asks me to help her prepare it.

“In a few minutes,” I stall. “I need to go make a call, if you can keep an eye on...”

She nods and I spirit up the stairs and to my room. I dial Daidara.

“Hello?” he asks from the other end of the line.

“Hi,” I tersely greet him. “You wanna help me, old man?” I ask without preamble.

He sighs. “You know I do.”

“Find me a doctor, then,” I tell him. “I’ll go.”

“Oh?”

“If it’ll...” I groan and whack my fish on the table in my room. “If it’ll keep him with me.”

“I can’t make any promises,” Daidara returns.

“I know,” I can hear my voice crack as I reply to him. “I’m not asking you to.”

“Just making sure,” Daidara confirms. “I’ll get you an appointment as soon as I can. I know... _Someone_... Who deals with our brand of ‘crazy’.”

I shake my head. “Meaning...?”

“Someone who knows about the other side,” he confirms.

“Do it,” I press. “I don’t want to lose him this time.

“You got it,” Daidara says before he hangs up.

I lay my phone down on the coffee table and take a seat on the couch. _I guess I’ve got more problems than my own. If he doesn’t trust me, this won’t work, either._

I grab at my hair and yank a few times, trying to ground myself. _I didn’t think he’d only get back PARTS—Like the feelings but not the reasons for them. This is..._

_This is bad._

_I need to tell Nanako—_ I stamp my foot.

_I know I need to tell her, but I don’t want her to know that he’s remembering. That maybe he won’t want me anymore. I don’t want to start them thinking like that!_

Getting ahold of myself, I fold my hands over my knees and breathe deeply. _I can do this. I can take care of things on my own._

Then I go back downstairs and help Nanako finish up with the cooking. I try to tell her a few times, I really do, but the words just won’t come free.

We all chat while we eat, and Ryoutarou is mostly back to how he was before. He’s warm to me, at least as warm as he is to her. So Nanako doesn’t notice, and I keep clamming up and can’t tell her.

The night drags on and on and I just can’t find an opportunity to fill her in on the incident. Ryoutarou’s always there, or she’s too upbeat, or _something_.

And then the night is drawing to a close. Ryoutarou’s tugging at me to go to bed and Nanako’s waving goodnight, and then we’re alone again.

“How do you feel?” I dutifully question.

“Fine, Tohru,” Ryoutarou replies. He strips down to his boxers and waits for me to follow suit—Except that I’ll be completely naked because I don’t see the point in underwear.

I roll my eyes and take off my own clothes. _The last thing I want is for something like that to happen again while I’m naked._

“Sleeping pills,” I instruct, and Ryoutarou makes a face at me. “You know you’re supposed to have them. They’ll help,” I try to assuage his doubts. _God I need him to take at least two tonight._

I dump some into my hand and hold my palm out. Ryoutarou scrunches up his face and takes two of the four. _Well that worked better than expected. Did he think I wanted him to really take four??_

I hand him a glass of water and he washes them down. I rub Ryoutarou’s back. “You’ll sleep well,” I cheerily tell him. _Dammit I hope so..._

_Please fall asleep before we have a repeat of last night..._

He’s out pretty quick. Ryoutarou puts on his glasses to read for a while, but then keeps yawning and has to set aside his book and glasses. He slumps down and snuggles under the covers.

I reach over and rub his head and Ryoutarou makes a contented noise. He kisses my hand affectionately. “Sleep with me,” he orders, tugging on my wrist.

Happy things are going better, I shut my computer and lay down next to him. I let Ryoutarou pull me so that we’re flush against each other. I let him murmur niceties and nothings into my hair, and I let him gently rub my chest until he his arm stills and he’s fallen asleep.

 _Another day done._ I grab onto his arms that cradles me to him, already worrying about tomorrow.

_What if more comes back tomorrow? What if he eventually stops wanting me? When it comes down to it, I’m not a necessity to his life._

_What if—_

“Tohru,” Ryoutarou mumbles in his sleep.

I feel my throat catch as I take that in. He says it in such a nice, loving way that it momentarily allays some of my fears.

He squeezes me closer and I feel some of my tension seeping out. “Ryoutarou,” is the last thing I say before I fall asleep, too.


End file.
